As I look back on my life I realize my mind was soo full of negative thinking I couldn't hear anything else. As I have done a lot of work in changing my negative thinking, I find myself experiencing a lot more gratitude. Negative thinking about everything was my drug of choice. It kept me from taking responsibility for my actions, kept me in a victim role and made me want to blame everyone else for what I was experiencing. As I sat and talked to a gal tonight, I could hear a lot of negative talk about herself. I could feel the heaviness of carrying that kind of load.
I remember so clearly those days where I would say the same things to myself as well. I wasn't judging her but wanted to, with love, express my concern to her about it. I was grateful that she was open to hearing it and who knows what will come of it.
I know from my own experience the challenge it can be to learn to reprogram our minds to think positive thoughts. Why is it that we think it's ok to talk down about ourselves? If you ask me, it all started back in the garden of Eden. Who was it that introduced shame? Too often we believe the lies that Satan tells us about what makes us worthy or of value. As I shared a little of my story to this gal, I told of a time that I set my value based on the number on the scale. No wonder I felt worthless at 266 lbs. To me I was of no value to anyone let alone myself. The last few months, I have been intentionally asking God to show me my value just from Him. I am grateful for the seed of confidence God planted in my heart.
So ..what do I do to rid myself of this Negative Self Talk? Well, for me what works is to stay in a place of gratitude for whatever life brings me. I always look to find the gift in each moment and then give God the credit for it all. I also surround myself with positive people. Seriously, it really matters who you choose to have in your life. I also surround myself with positive messages like quotes, sayings, uplifting words, and order. It feels better with those things in my life. I read good uplifting and inspiring books. I seek out people who I want to be like and cultivate those relationships. I journal about my thoughts and if they are negative I write them on a 3x5 Card and surrender them to my God Box.
Today has been a long day for me as I drove down and back from Southern Utah. Had an amazing conversation with Victoria Wynn and brainstormed about a lot. I am soo grateful for those people God is bringing into my life to teach me.
One of my many dreams came true today which was me ice skating on outdoor frozen water. Ever since I was very young, I watched "Ice Castles" over and over and over again. Dreamt of becoming an ice skater when I grew up. HUGE dream of mine. Well, it's a bit difficult to ice skate at the size I used to be but I attempted to do it when about 10 years ago a girlfriend of mine and I took 3 ice skating classes. Mind you I was 230 lbs and trying to do spins and jumps. Talk about denial. I didn't want to admit that I was that size. I bought myself some really nice skates and went often but would have to sit down a lot since my feet would hurt soo much. It was such a treat today at my goal weight to put those skates on and skate out in the open air. I loved it. If we weren't in such a hurry to get back, I would have loved to stay longer. It always amazes me how God ends up making our Dreams come true.
Thanks for your comments, Becky. I appreciated you pointing out that I was riding on myself pretty hard that night. I have a lot of confidence in a lot of different areas, and I am not usually one to be found dragging around my lower lip and tripping on it in general. I prefer to be enthusiastic and grateful for a great life with a LOT of great people and great things in it! I like to be a happy person, not a downer. However, you were correct in your observation. It is in mixed company that self-doubt raises its ugly head and chews on my pantleg, and I battle the "Ghosts of Rejections Past." It is very, very difficult, when one's dating life is like a desert scene in an old west movie, to NOT pin the blame on oneself. And that's not dumping on myself, it is simply a fact. It has been about 15 years since I have had what you could call a "dating relationship" or a "boyfriend." Taking your brother out for an evening was the first time I've been out with any guy in any capacity, dating or casual, in over three years. There's this demon in my head that rampages around wearing a T-shirt that reads, "Men Don't Want Me," on the front and "Why Do I Bother?" on the back, and truly, I'm quite tired of it and would really like to slay it, but I must admit, I don't know how! I've been trying for several years to get rid of it, but it always comes back, raining on my mental parade. My dearest friends can tell you I've come a long way in a lot of ways when it comes to my attitude about being single in general, which is a big improvement from where I was at ten years ago. I was so desperate it was really damaging my relationship with Heavenly Father, and I finally called a halt to the madness by developing a profound sense of gratitude for where I am and the blessings it has brought me. But this particular demon still comes to the fore, and I'd like to banish it once and for all, so that dang it, I radiate that inner sense of confidence, along with my usual zest for life, in one complete package!
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