"Today I begin a NEW Life" - Scroll I - Og Mandino

It was February 23, 2009 when I decided to finally take the first steps into my recovery. Little did I know at that time that a year in half later I would be where I am now. Of course when I started that day I thought to myself .. 'I wonder if this will be it or just another one of those many diets I have tried over the last 30 years of my life and failed at?' My father always told me when I got bucked on the horse to get right back and and keep going. I guess this was yet another one of those times. My friends in my 12 step program would remind me to take it one step at a time ... one day at a time and that is what I did. I really did begin a NEW life that very day. I have always said since I was young that 'No matter what your past may be your future is always clean.' Ironically enough that saying would become very true for me in many ways. I had to change my mindset as Og talks about when he talks about shedding the old skin and putting on the new. I always felt as though I would be the victim of my past even though I quoted this quote to everyone I guess it just didn't sink in til now. I really do have the power to become whoever it is that I want to be. My past is all just information of where I was at that time. My negative thinking was getting the best of me as I thought things like... 'why try, you are just going to fail again like you always have'..and 'what makes this time any different?' ... and 'you don't deserve to be healthy and live a life free from this obsession.' ... and 'what makes you think for a second that you are worthy of any kind of happiness?" These are shame messages which were all lies that I chose to believe for soo many years of my life. They kept me stuck and made it difficult for me to move in any positive direction.


"I will form good habits and become their slave."

As I began this journey, one of the very first key ingredients to my success was to put structure into my life. Scroll 1 talks a lot about forming good habits. I realized just how important this one aspect of my recovery would have on me in my life. Boy, as an addict, I hated structure. I wanted to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it and not have anyone dictate how I was to be, act or feel. What I didn't realized at the time was that I have always craved structure because I feel safer there. See the addict hates structure and so the more and more I put structure in my life, the easier I find life to live and get 10 times more done in a day. I have come to really love the good habits I have formed. Scroll 1 helps put just basic structure in place to start reprogramming those negative thoughts we all have on a daily basis. I know for me, it's helped me truly understand and get that my past doesn't determine my future and that each and every 24 hours I get to shed my old skin and start a new life. I LOVE THAT!

"I must practice the art of patience"

Also I learned that I don't have to know all the answers right now. God will provide the answers within myself as time permits. As I surround myself with people who have the skills and attributes that I want, I strive to better myself. This helps me learn more and stretch to be that person I know I can become. Living a life as an addict most of my life, patience was definitely not something I had. I have had to learn through the last year in a half to not give into the temptation of having things RIGHT NOW. This has trickled into many aspects of my life. For instance, with buying things. I used to do a lot of impulse buying. I now ask myself often when I am wanting something .. 'Is it necessary that I buy this RIGHT NOW.. or can it wait?' This principle also applies to my food. Since I started this program, I call my sponsor every day and tell her in detail what I will be eating. Some would say this is extreme. To me, it has been vital to my own recovery. By doing this, I am intentionally living my life and not reacting out of impulse. The compulsion of eating what I wanted whenever I wanted, is what got me 130 lbs overweight. So now, as I begin my day by committing my food, I am setting myself up for success. I commit my food and then get on with my life. I didn't realize til now how much of my life I had wasted on obsessing over and over and over again about food. I love that I am finally FREE from that obsession of food.

"I will begin to awake, each morning with vitality I have never known before."

This is true. I look forward to each day in a way I never have before. The level of passion in which I live now is beautiful. I often think to myself .. 'I wonder what today will bring!' It always amazes me in any given day as I reflect back on it, the marvelous miracles which I get to experience. I had to learn to keep my eyes open to God's tender mercies and the more I recognized his hand in my life, the more he blessed me with.

How my Journey relates to Og Mandino's 10 Scrolls

Let me begin by saying, my journey of releasing 130 lbs was done through a 12 step recovery program which I continue to work on a daily basis. It wasn't until a couple of months ago I was introduced to Og Mandino's 10 Scrolls. When I began studying these scrolls, I realized that what he teaches are EXACTLY those principles that have helped me gain the success I did. As I relate my own personal experience to each one of the scrolls, my hope is to share with you what has worked for me. It has taken me many many years to get to this point where I am living in integrity. As I implemented these Scrolls into my life, my life changed drastically. No matter what it is that you are struggling with, I know from first hand experience, that if you choose to study these scrolls you too can find great peace and success in your own life.

Reflections

On this day I have spent quite a bit of time reflecting on this journey I have been on. As for the physical transformation it has taken a few months of being at my goal weight for me to let it settle in but there are still times when I look in the mirror and spend a few minutes connecting with this women I see now. I don't know if that will ever end but I am soo grateful for the blessings I have in my life. As I reflect on the other ways my life has completely transformed, I ponder on my different behaviors. As I write my story, I just can't believe how much my thinking has changed from unhealthy obsessive thoughts to now thoughts of peace. Maybe even more impactful has been the transformation in my mind by far. I spend a fair amount of time each day in silence or listening to piano music. It helps me feel peace and get connected with who I am and where my thoughts are taking me. This way I can be more conscious of my life.

Today as the rain fell, I couldn't help but think of how the earth is being made clean just as I have through my journey of discovery. In many respects God has made me clean from all the junk I carried around for so many years. I relate differently with people, I love more deeply, I connect with others on a very deep level, I see the beauty in the world and in others including myself, I give more of myself and overall am open to the many blessings that come my way. This is the life I always had drempt of living but had no clue how to get it. It took me turning my will over to God and letting him do for me what I was unable to do for myself. It really was that "EASY!" It doesn't mean it happened over night. I got to where I am, taking one step at a time, living life one day at a time. I still very much live that way. I just can't afford to go back to where I used to be.

PERSONAL MANIFESTO

I was at a meeting last night and was reminded of this Personal Manifesto that I came across months ago. I used to read it every night. I am going to start that up again because it brings me a lot of peace.

PERSONAL MANIFESTO

- I am responsible for myself

- I am responsible for living my own life

I am responsible for tending to my own spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial well-being.

I am responsible for identifying and fulfiling my own needs, wants and desires

I am responsible for living according to my own values and standards
I am responsible for knowing and defending my own boundaries

I am responsible for solving my own problems and for living with those I cannot solve

I am responsible for making up my own mind, even when this means disagreeing with others

I am responsible for reevaluation of a situation and changing my mind when appropriate

I am responsible for setting my own priorities and for achieving my own goals

I am responsible for my own decisions and their outcomes

I am responsible for whom I love and for how I choose to express that love

I am responsible for what I do to others and for what I allow others to do to me

I am not expected to be perfect

I am not expected to foresee every consequence of every action

I am not expected to do more than my fair share

I am not expected to be responsible for random events

I am not expected to be responsible for other people's actions,

feelings, needs, or problems except when I so choose

All of me, every aspect of my being is important

I count for something

I matter

My feelings are valid

My thoughts are appropriate

I trust and believe in myself
I value my wants and needs

I have rights and I am expected to stand up for those rights

I do not deserve, and will not tolerate abuse or constant mistreatment

The decisions I make and the way I conduct myself will reflect my high self-esteem

I am unique and special

Within me is infinite value

I am me!

Being in Service to others....Being in Service to Myself

There is a lot to be said in this world for being in service to others. It's what makes the world go round. For me I have found a lot of peace and joy as I have allowed myself to be directed to serve others. Kind of interesting to watch who is attracted into my space. The other interesting part of it is that the more and more I serve, the more and more I receive. Although that's not the sole purpose I have in serving others it's just the law of reciprocity. There is a tangible shift I feel happening in this world where more people are starting to realize the importance of being service oriented. It goes back to what I learned being a manager for years. I remember the day that it finally dawned on me that my job as a manager wasn't to tell others what to do or even manage their emotions or tasks... it was to SERVE THEM. As I learned to serve them, they became more confident in making their own decisions and they felt freedom to do things the way that worked best for them. Honoring their uniqueness even though sometimes the way they did things wouldn't be the way I would do them.. it was ok. Allowing people the freedom to feel, act, work and connect in their own way, is a great gift.

I am realizing this also in relationships. When I am not attached to the result of any relationship, there is a freedom that takes place in my own heart. Really I just surrender to what is rather than hoping for what may or may not be.

As I am working on my book, I see this same principle of surrendering to what is coming into play. I know that the words, the stories and the flow of it all will happen exactly the way it's suppose to be. My only job is to make sure I am in a place of peace within my heart to allow this writing to flow through me. This is an interesting time for me where I am learning to let go of any and all agendas and just be a true vessel of my own truth. There are a lot of things and concepts that I have come to learn and now I am passionate about sharing it with others. Even if writing this book may just be for me, it will be perfect for me and my journey.

So as I learn to be in service to myself, I am learning that I am a Beautiful, Powerful, Passionate, Loving Caring Woman who knows her truth and speaks it! This is in many ways I new place for me. In the past when I was in my addiction, I never felt safe to be who I truly was for fear of great rejection from others. Where did these feelings come from that I wasn't worthy of others love and acceptance? Who knows, but I know a lot of us feel them. What would this world look like if we could be honest with each other and if we could share authentically at any given moment our inner thoughts? For me that's living in true integrity. I am learning along this journey of mine to speak my truth and gift others the freedom to feel what they do about it. It's a beautiful place to be.

Positive Affirmations to Music

Today as I sat listening to Kurt Bestor at the Utah Women's Conference, I was overcome with joy in my heart for who I am in this moment of my life and how far I have come. The last few days have been tough for me but as I work through somethings, I realized the important part of my recovery was being missed. So as I sat there listening to this beautiful music, a few rows back, I was impressed to open up my journal and start a list of positive affirmations. They seemed to just flow. I don't know if it was the music or my soul starving for positive thoughts. See, I have been spending a lot of time trying to get to the core of the shame I have carried around for years. This is not always a pleasant experience for me but it has to come to the surface in order for me to release it. It was time now for me to allow my spirit to connect with "WHO" I truly am. Each one of us is divine. What happens is we forget who we are.... and attach "WHAT" we are to who we are and tell ourselves that we aren't worthy of the blessings that are already ours. See, the addict is not "WHO" I am, it's just "WHAT" I am. There is a difference there. One is full of shame. As I stay in the place of shame, I then discount my divinity. I was born worthy of God's love and acceptance. That has not changed from the beginning of time. 

See, it's kind of like working a muscle. In order to get stronger, I have to tear the muscle by pushing the weight with my muscles. As the muscle works, it gets torn and often hurts but then starts the process of healing. I can't expect the muscle to get stronger if I am un"willing" to work the muscle and push myself. The beautiful part of this process is that our own divine bodies know how to repair and build our muscles on their own. In the end, I am stronger and able to do more. So it is with our lives. I have had to learn to look at EVERY experience I have as an opportunity for growth. On the other side of the challenge is the strength but it has taken courage on my part to push through it.

I challenge you to turn on some inspiring music and write out a list of your own positive affirmations. Let your soul speak to you truth. Review these affirmations at times when you feel yourself forgetting your true divinity. Dig deep to find the absolute truth about you and believe that it is true. Keep digging until your soul decides its enough. It was very healing for me to have the experience I did today. I am grateful for the impression I received and my willingness to follow it.

"Attitude of Gratitude"

If there is one thing that has carried me through this past year of my life, it is Gratitude. I can't say it's always been easy or that I have been in that place 100% of the time but boy do I find myself thanking my Heavenly Father for the many blessing I have daily. I try to also let others in my life know how much I appreciate them even though at times I feel pain. I was reminded this morning how important it is for me to remember sometimes that an experience which maybe painful can be an opportunity for growth. Just as a muscle first has to be torn in order to begin the process of repairing and then ultimately be strengthened, so it is with my soul in recovery. My life and my recovery is never complete until one day when I leave this mortal life. As I remember that fact, each 24 hour period brings about more joy and more love and sometimes more pain and as I learn to be in a place of gratitude for the many blessings I have been given through it all, I learn to rely more on God for my strength. 

It is God's way of showing us that he loves and cares for us when he gives us challenges and when we choose to have the courage to take a look at the lessons and the gifts those moments have for us. I used to go to the food when I felt uncomfortable feelings like fear, pain, loneliness, now I give myself permission to feel those emotions without judgement and eventually they go away. Often times, I turn to my recovery work which includes writing, reading, making calls to trusted friends, listening to music, meditating and studying. Those are my tender mercies in life. I used to think these emotions I feel would kill  me if I didn't eat over them to make them go away..  now I understand and accept that I am human and ok regardless of what I am feeling. It's all just information. Can't say I am always comfortable but I am getting comfortable with feeling uncomfortable. It's another tender mercy.

Each day I write down 5 tender mercies. I do this so that I am in the attitude of gratitude. The gift I receive by doing this is that I acknowledge God for what he has given me and keep myself focused on the positive things in my life... the little miracles I experience each day. I challenge you to do the same and see what a difference it makes in your own life.