Saturday, January 15, 2011

"All that You Can Be"

I heard this song many many years ago and tonight while I was organizing and chopping all my veggies, I realized some things about myself. I have heard this song a million times and always thought of all the people in my life who don't see how beautiful they are. I even thought of all the ways I could help them discover their own beauty.  What I didn't see was how much I was not willing to accept my own beauty. It has been a process for me to get to a place where I am comfortable in my new skin. Why is it that I struggle with seeing this beauty within me? This message is not just to women but men also. I believe we are all created as divine beings. I have to be honest though in saying that at 266 lbs I couldn't for the life of me see any beauty within myself. No matter how many people told me otherwise my soul couldn't hear it.

So how do we work on embracing this deep inner beauty? Well, one thing I have done to help in connecting with this new self is to sit in front of the mirror and stare into my eyes and really connect with my soul. I put soo much value on what I look like on the outside that sometimes I forget to see the true value and beauty in my soul. This has helped me a lot. I know it seems silly but try it if this is something that you struggle with. I also have been praying a lot for God to reveal my true value to me. I sometimes look to others for validation that I am worthy and in reality the only true way for me to find that is to go straight to God.

I was thinking earlier today about how often when I was overweight I was afraid to extend myself in service to others. I was in so much isolation and didn't want to be with people that I would stay home and didn't feel the energy to want to give to others. One of the saying we say in 12 Step recovery work is "Service is FREEDOM of Bondage of Self." Boy is that true. I noticed that as I turned my life over to God and got into recovery, I started serving others more. It was almost as though I was coming out of the darkness and stepping into the light. I had no idea how much darkness I was in until I stepped into the light and looked back.

I am soo grateful for the many blessings I have been given as I have made the choices I have to step into healthiness. It is soo much better of a life to live. I feel alive where back then, I felt like I was slowly dying and to be honest with you I was. I was dying a slow death in many respects. Each day I was feeding my compulsion, I was taking years off of my life. My body was shutting down, my spirit was being drained and my soul was becoming numb. When I chose to surrender and get willing to work this program, God jumped in to assist me to carry my burden even when I didn't want to give it to Him. It was almost like we had to fight over it. I thought it was my job to carry the load but what I came to learn was He had already paid the price for me and has carried it and it was now time for me to "Let Go. and Let God." At first, that was very very very difficult for me to do but it was one step at a time that I learned to surrender to Him and His will for me.

Action Step: Make a list of things that you feel you are still holding onto. Take one thing on your list that you feel you are ready to surrender and to give to God. Don't overwhelm yourself by trying to do it all at once.. just pick one for now and get on your knees and ask God to take it. Sit for 10 minutes in silence and let yourself feel what it feels like to connect and let go. Some people talk about imagining themselves writing the item on a balloon and then releasing it to the sky.. or you can imagine burning it. Whatever works for you and then be willing to let it go. Journal about what feelings you are having. If you don't have a journal yet, I suggest you get one. Writing has helped me a ton in the healing process.

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