Tuesday, February 21, 2012
I remember when the day I began my journey of releasing 130 lbs. I turned to my friend of mine and said to her "Seriously.. no sugar .. no flour FOREVER?" I remember feeling the immense amount of weight on my shoulders of the thought of not only having to lose 130 lbs but doing it without sugar and flour.. two things that had been my friend for over 35 years. She turned to me, smiled and said "Just not today!" All of a sudden my reality shifted and I felt I could do it. I could do anything for 24 hours. Soon I realized that that 24 hours.. turned into another 24 hours.. and another.. and sure enough.. almost exactly 3 years later, I am where I am today. The other HUGE lesson I got from this experience is God, who is the master creator was going to help me and He did.
Because I made a small but significant decision, I, along with God of course, created some massively AMAZING results. I always include God in what I am able to create because as powerful as I am, I couldn't have done it without Him. What I had to realize and continue to realize is that together, God and I, are co-Master creators. Where I am weak, He is strong and He carries me through those difficult times.
I have to say though, there are times where I fall back into my stinky thinking that I can do it on my own. Until I have hit my head up against the wall enough times and fall to my knees and surrender, I realize I can't do it alone.
I started reading a book this morning called "Believing Christ." This book is sooo amazingly good at illustrating the fact that I was never meant to live this life alone and take on the battles of life by myself. There was one, Jesus Christ, that went before me, paid the price and knows and UNDERSTANDS first hand the struggles I face. All He asks of me is to turn to Him. Why is that so hard to do sometimes? I don't know. The only answer I have is I am human.. and mortal and I seem to have a mind that tends to forget and has to be reminded often. This is why it's so important for me to keep my mind active and always searching to learn more. This is why I pray often and read scriptures, to be reminded that God is the POWERFUL one, who sent His son to go before me to show me the way. I just have to remember to follow His example and do my best to live righteously to the best of my ability and then He makes up the rest.
You know the guy I was dating last year and I would have this conversation all the time. It seemed like every single thing he would plan for us to do was always turning out PERFECTLY. We would get to the exact right place at the exact right moment to watch a beautiful sunset. It seemed like everything we experienced was perfectly orchestrated. The (2) four leaf clovers just magically appeared out of nowhere, I would in that moment turn to him and ask, "How the heck did you create this? You are a MASTER CREATOR you know?" I think he loved it when I said that because I wanted him to realize just how powerful of a creator he was and how much I appreciated it... in turn that helped encourage his AMAZING ability to create even more incredible experiences.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
So once I realized I was placed here with weakness, I had to accept my imperfections as being PERFECT in and of themselves. Wow.. that was a challenge to let go of that reality. I had to start with not beating myself up. I had to start with allowing myself to make mistakes and to show patience as I didn't get everything done that I wanted to. I am really really good at making pages and pages of TO DO lists and setting myself up for overwhelm. Recently it's been a practice of mine to allow myself to think .."I do my very best and let go of the rest." I had to think that way or else I would find myself back in that place of self pity.
So.. I make certain choices sometimes that stop me from progressing in life, SO WHAT. I say.. so what not because I give myself permission or justify my actions but rather allow myself to look at what I have done or not done as a learning opportunity and move on. Sometimes that requires me asking others for forgiveness, sometimes it's just a matter of recommitting to myself and moving on. I have always been someone that moves on pretty quickly once I have noticed my wrong doing. I don't care to stay in that negative place very long. Although I do have to say, there is a difference between shutting a door and moving on .. and taking the time to look at what happened, take responsibility for my actions and then asking for forgiveness and THEN moving on.
I always like to say.. "I am IMPERFECTLY PERFECT!" Meaning I am perfect just the way I am. Forgiving myself has been a process of learning to LOVE myself and accept my imperfections. The quicker you forgive, the quicker you can move on to better things. I like what a good friend of mine says.. "Fail faster so you can success quicker!" Isn't that true? Don't allow yourself to beat yourself up. It doesn't do you any good. By the way, this also applies very much to relationships too. As I was talking to a good friend of mine last night, I realized how important it is to forgive quickly the other person for their imperfections. I don't believe we wake up in the morning with the intention to hurt ourselves or others, we just do sometimes. Take a good look at it.. take responsibility and then move on.
I was reminded again today as I laid on the floor in my yoga class this morning staring at the ceiling in one specific place for a period of time, how awesome it feels to just be silent in my mind. What a gift, to be so present that there was a nothingness about the moment other than the thoughts and emotions I was observing. Back in the day, I would have been thinking about the laundry I had to do, how uncomfortable I was with my body, what were other people thinking of me or am I doing this right? Always thinking something was wrong with me or the moment and it should be a different way. To now just be in such a place of gratitude for whatever emotions, thoughts or feelings that come and not judging them is absolutely BEAUTIFUL.
So what I have learned is when I am present, I am not fearing the future nor trying to control the past. In the past couple of years I have seen a huge shift in my perception as it pertains to fear and control. When I find myself going into this place of either, I know I am living outside of the NOW... so I breathe and bring myself back to the NOW and know that all I have is the NOW .. the present moment.
So here are a few things I do as I find myself drifting whether I am with others.. or by myself. I take a couple of HUGE breathes. These are breathing from the core of my belly not from my chest or shoulders. It's amazing the amount of tension that is released just from doing this. I also meditate. It is not uncommon for me to just stop what I am doing, lay down on the floor of my office or in bed in the middle of the day and just sit. Wipe all the thoughts from my mind as if I were staring at a totally blank white board. At first, I felt uncomfortable with this as my mind was full of all kinds of different thoughts, but soon I learned to turn those off for a bit. Sometimes I want to think NOTHING.. and other times, I want to receive inspiration.
Short story, about a month ago, I was right in the middle of a HUGE creation spurt where I was really needing to get all the content that I have built up over the past couple of years out on paper. I was in the need of creating content for workshops, books, blogs, speaking gigs.. and etc. So I found myself laying on the floor of my office with the warm sun shining down on me through my office window and while listening to Shamanick music, asking the question in my mind.."God, please help me purge all these different concepts I have had racing in my head for the last couple of years!" It didn't take long to open that portal of information. Here I was laying there with a pen and paper next to me and WHAM... all the content came RUSHING in my mind almost too fast I couldn't write quick enough. So I would write and then go back to meditation and more would come and I would lean over and write some more and then repeat that several times. It was soo AMAZING to experience this. Next thing I knew I had 4 pages chalked full of content. It didn't stop there, I didn't go anywhere the next week without my binder with a couple of more empty pages to fill and as soon as another idea popped into my head, I wrote it down. 3 pages later, I was shocked to see so much AMAZING content that was hidden deep inside of me. It felt great to finally have it all in one place.
What I learned most from that experience is, it's important to take the time to be silent and to ask the right question and then most importantly.. LISTEN and take lots of notes. It's AMAZING what incredible knowledge and power we have within us when we take time to slow down and allow it to flow freely from us. From all that content I got written down that week, will come everything I need to finish my books, tv show ideas and concepts, radio themes, blog entries.. etc. What a gift! What a blessing I have been given when I learned how to be present and in the moment.
When it comes to relationships, my dear former fiance taught me how to truly BE present with him and what a gift that was for us to have had that type of connection. When you can look into each others eyes for an hour without speaking a word but communicate in such a way that there was no question in our minds about the gratitude we feel for each other.. it's INCREDIBLE. It's a spiritual connection, one more deeply than any words can convey. Just like with anything in life, I KNOW for a fact that everything happens for a reason and with each relationship and friendship we have, we are given nuggets of gold.. gifts from above. I am grateful for him and what he has taught me about me.
Friday, February 17, 2012
I am sorry I haven't blogged in quite sometime. It seems as my life pushes forward, I am getting busier and busier which is good but I value very much my time to write and to express my deepest feelings about where I am in my life. I know that many of you feel similar feelings because I meet with you everyday. I hear your stories, I hear your struggles and I am no different.
This last few months has been a roller coaster of emotions for sure. As I always say, it's PERFECT because I am learning more about who I am and picking up new tools to aid me in living a healthy life and in order to help more people.
Even though I have released 130 lbs, it doesn't mean that I have somehow arrived. In my own mind, I think on some level, I felt that but life has shown me recently that working the basic simple principles are what sustain healthy living. As I sit here in bed, pondering about what to share with you, my mind wonders to how important the little things are and to be patient and loving with ourselves.
In the last 4 months, I have gained 20 lbs which has been an interesting journey for me. I found myself back in the "I don't care" thinking. "Where did that come from? ...What triggered it?... and What am I suppose to learn from it?" These questions have been heavily on my mind.
I felt in someway that obesity and the thoughts of it all where in the past and were going to stay there FOREVER. I didn't start to eat sugar or flour again because in my mind, those things are evil but I did start eating more of the food that I normally eat and justify eating "Sugar FREE" items and too much of that too. Soon the weight started to creep back on. Suddenly, my clothes became tight and I didn't feel so good inside. Everyday I would recommit to myself and others and sometimes for a day or two I would do well. As for now, I am feeling ok but there for awhile, I felt as though I couldn't control it.
Just recently, friends of mine have introduced me to other tools to help aid me in dealing with these negative behaviors. I just started using "Tapping." In my mind, I thought that tapping was too simple but I am starting to realize that most things we strive for are EASY.. well, maybe not EASY but SIMPLE. In my mind, I thought, this is too simple and it kept me from using it. I am trying it out and in the last couple of days it has given me great relief. I know that my perfectionism was keeping me from doing it too because I wanted to do it perfectly and instead, I just decided to relinquish the fact it doesn't have to be perfect, I just have to do it.
So there.. this is where I am right now and am headed back down the scale 15 lbs to where I want to be. The difference this time is I know my value isn't determined by the number that is on the scale and that I have the tools I need, if I choose to use them, to be where I want to be. Before I would have just given up and allowed myself to go back to the life I lived but now, what I do in helping others get healthy, keeps me on my toes.
While I was in the process of releasing my weight and then maintaining it for a year in a half, I remember people asking me.. "did you every cheat?" for the most part, I just went for it and didn't look back and to many people I felt they couldn't relate to me because of that. Now, knowing I got back into the food and have struggled the last few months has been PERFECT because it's given me true empathy for those struggling. It's not that I can't remember what it was like back then.. but time has a way of really making it hard sometimes to remember what it felt like. I KNOW and am experiencing the pain that goes with not feeling like I can control my desire to eat.
Thank God, today I am at peace about it and am choosing to make healthy choices. I will write more about this and feel free to share your feelings and thoughts. We are all in this together and it's important to get out of isolation. These struggles DON'T make you bad.. they just are what you get to experience in life and teach you to dig deep to get healthy.