Monday, November 29, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
National Speakers Association Training
I spent most of today at the National Speaker's Association learning how to put together my workshops. Wow, this career is definitely a lot of work. I feel in many ways, that all this couldn't have come at a better time in life where I have the time to dedicate to it. I am stretching myself in many ways and know it will bring a lot of personal growth for me. As I meet more people in this amazing field of work, I can't help but be inspired by all their different stories. I haven't met one person as of yet that isn't willing to share their successes with me to help me on the road to success myself. We all have such a burning desire to be in service to others we are willing to make all the sacrifices to make it happen.
I used to think people just got up and talked, little did I know. It takes hard work to be a good speaker, one who carries a powerful message and truly inspires people. Sometimes when I find myself in this creation stage, I get stuck, not having clarity. I have to remind myself that timing is EVERYTHING.. and many times it's God's timing not mine that ultimately is in play. Although one thing I am noticing is how many contacts have come into to help carry me through this. It almost feels like everywhere I turn people are giving me advice that is helping me along the way. What a blessing it is to have that in abundance. It helps me realize I am not alone and that whatever the message is that God wants me to share, will come to me in such clarity when it's suppose to.
This is pure surrender my friends. Surrendering to what is and to not what I WANT. Well.. even though I say that, I know the importance of putting ON PAPER... ON PURPOSE our wants and deepest desires of our hearts, because it matters. God can't drive a parked car. We have to put our intentions out there.. and then get to work. It's letting go of our agendas that can be difficult at times. I am learning one day at a time. It's a beautiful process of learning to trust in a power much greater than I.
I was driving home from Salt Lake last night and as I was trying to get on the freeway, I found myself on the freeway entrance marked for the car pool lane. It was late at night and not many people where on the road. So, in that moment I had to make a choice. I could just jump on the freeway, knowing the chances of anyone finding out or me getting caught was very slim or I could turn around and go another block to the appropriate entrance. I chose to turn around and head to the other on ramp. I just couldn't in integrity do it. See a couple of years ago I wouldn't have thought twice about doing that hoping I didn't get caught. That is what kinds of things I would do when I was in my addiction. Now, I know I can't hide. I can't hide from my own guilt of not doing the right thing. That was a lesson to me on how far I have come. As I drove down to the next possible area to turn around sure enough there was a police officer there. Isn't it funny how God works. Regardless of if anyone was around... I still would have made that decision because no matter where I am .. I can't hide from God and when I am searching and wanting God's help in my life, it doesn't serve me to go against that which I know is right.
I used to think people just got up and talked, little did I know. It takes hard work to be a good speaker, one who carries a powerful message and truly inspires people. Sometimes when I find myself in this creation stage, I get stuck, not having clarity. I have to remind myself that timing is EVERYTHING.. and many times it's God's timing not mine that ultimately is in play. Although one thing I am noticing is how many contacts have come into to help carry me through this. It almost feels like everywhere I turn people are giving me advice that is helping me along the way. What a blessing it is to have that in abundance. It helps me realize I am not alone and that whatever the message is that God wants me to share, will come to me in such clarity when it's suppose to.
This is pure surrender my friends. Surrendering to what is and to not what I WANT. Well.. even though I say that, I know the importance of putting ON PAPER... ON PURPOSE our wants and deepest desires of our hearts, because it matters. God can't drive a parked car. We have to put our intentions out there.. and then get to work. It's letting go of our agendas that can be difficult at times. I am learning one day at a time. It's a beautiful process of learning to trust in a power much greater than I.
I was driving home from Salt Lake last night and as I was trying to get on the freeway, I found myself on the freeway entrance marked for the car pool lane. It was late at night and not many people where on the road. So, in that moment I had to make a choice. I could just jump on the freeway, knowing the chances of anyone finding out or me getting caught was very slim or I could turn around and go another block to the appropriate entrance. I chose to turn around and head to the other on ramp. I just couldn't in integrity do it. See a couple of years ago I wouldn't have thought twice about doing that hoping I didn't get caught. That is what kinds of things I would do when I was in my addiction. Now, I know I can't hide. I can't hide from my own guilt of not doing the right thing. That was a lesson to me on how far I have come. As I drove down to the next possible area to turn around sure enough there was a police officer there. Isn't it funny how God works. Regardless of if anyone was around... I still would have made that decision because no matter where I am .. I can't hide from God and when I am searching and wanting God's help in my life, it doesn't serve me to go against that which I know is right.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Varolo
Friday, November 12, 2010
We are all Fellow Strugglers.. a little bit of my story
As I discussed my recovery with my mother the other day, I was reminded how far back I have lived with this addiction. My mother told me that at as early as 2 years old I was grabbing for foods high in sugar. As I am in the process of writing my book, I am seeing more clearly the pivotal moments in my life that affected how I felt about myself and about those around me. I was only 7-8 when I remember consciously eating to cover my feelings of inadequacies.
See I came from a family of over achievers. Most of my older siblings didn't have this overwhelming need like I did to have attention or to be accepted. I went through life wondering if I was born into the wrong family. They were homecoming kings, ASB presidents, leads in plays and overall liked by many. Then there was me that took a back seat to people wanting to be around me since I was so difficult to manage.
I look back now and so much of my heartache I created myself but at the time I didn't have the tools necessary to deal with all the many emotions going on inside of me so I turned to food as my comfort. From an early age, I began to eat away my emotions. Somehow the food gave me the needed relief from feeling rejected by those around me and thus started this enormous unhealthy association with food. It wasn't long after that time that I started to put on weight which separated me even more from my thin, healthy siblings.
Emotionally I began isolating myself. I didn't want to let anyone in for fear of further rejection. If they really knew my true feelings, I would NEVER be accepted. See from a young age I took on some very unhealthy faulty core belief systems, like.. 'I am stupid,' and 'I am not worthy of being loved or accepted,' and 'Who I am, is NOT ok,' and 'If I open up and share my true feelings, no one will want me.' It was no wonder, no matter what anyone said that was positive could never penetrate through these beliefs I had. My emotional walls were too thick for anything to get through. I held these beliefs up until these last couple of years. You can imagine how this would create some interesting experiences in life.
I wonder how many of us have similar beliefs that we picked up from a very young age and still carry with us and then wonder why we have the unhealthy relationships we do. I believe that we manifest what we believe and if we believe we are not worthy of something we will find people in our lives who will support those unhealthy core beliefs. This creates a heck of a lot of frustration. We question ourselves and often find ourselves asking the question.. 'Why does this keep happening to me?' I know I did many times.
As I went on every diet out there, trying to "Fix" the problem, I kept running myself in circles because I wasn't getting to the core of the problem. At the core of it all, were these faulty core beliefs I had picked up soo many years ago. As I have gotten into "recovery" and taken the spiritual journey I have, I am learning how to get to those core faulty beliefs and release them and then replace them with healthy beliefs. This has completely changed my life.
I can't change what I don't acknowledge. A quote that came to me about a month ago is "Living a life intentionally takes effort and dedication." It's not easy to be conscious of our thoughts and our actions. It takes not reacting but rather pondering and listening for guidance within ourselves as to what feels right and then making decisions on those impressions.
I am learning that when I am feeling uneasy about something, I need to pay attention to it and not just eat it away and ignore it. I am learning to trust my gut and to take action.
If you would have asked me a couple of years ago if I would be where I am today, I would have laughed at you and told you I had absolutely NO discipline and I couldn’t possibly be able to be where I am today. I didn't have any discipline whatsoever. I always looked at my sister who was so good at that and wondered what was wrong with me. What I didn't realize was I was full of an addiction that had a strong hold on me and had been apart of my life my entire life. Once I acknowledged it, I could then take action to cleaning it up. Just because I have addiction present in my life doesn't mean that I am a bad person. A better way of seeing addiction is it’s the "natural man" or our weaknesses. I believe God gave us weaknesses in order to teach us to rely on Him.
It has taken a lot of practice on my part.. "One day at a time" to be in recovery. I do my best to take responsibility for my actions and my thoughts. I know I am not perfect and I slip at times but the most important thing I try and remember is to get back on the horse and keep going. NEVER QUIT. Living our lives is NOT about beating ourselves up. God would NEVER want us to do that. He is a loving God who wants so badly for you to feel his unconditional love for you. He is the one constant and as I have learned to turn to him and be willing to allow him into my life, he has created a miracle out of my life. I could NOT have done this on my own. I know I tried for sooo many years and told myself that I was bad because I didn’t have the willpower. I have learned it has NOTHING to do with willpower… it’s all about my “willingness.” My willingness to get up everyday and turn my will over to God’s and allow Him to carry me. My willingness to work the program the way it is written.
I love what someone told me the other day, “God can’t drive a parked car.” As I mentioned that to someone last night in a meeting she added to it by saying, “God can’t drive a parked car especially when you have the emergency brake on and the keys not in the ignition.” So dang true. For me I had to be “WILLING” to start the car and get into action and move so that God could create the miracle. I love what someone said the other day too.. “Don’t give up before the miracle happens.” How many times in life do we give up right before the miracle happens? How many miracles don’t happen because of our lack of Faith? Never give up. Let go and let God. These are things I tell myself all the time as I hit tough times and want to give up. For me, I don’t allow much space in my thoughts for negativity. My whole life has been full of negative thinking and I am working very hard to rid myself of those thoughts. When I find myself going there in my thoughts, I quickly redirect my thoughts to positive messages about who I am and what I stand for. It helps to keep me grounded.
I can't say it has been easy and at the same time I wouldn't change one thing when it comes to my experiences in life. I know now that I was born in the absolute perfect family for me. I am blessed to have a family who loves each other and are "GOOD" people striving to make a difference in other people's lives.
It's not about the perfect family.. or the perfect upbringing. Some of you out there have experienced things I would NEVER wish upon anyone in this lifetime and at the same time I challenge you to just consider that whatever it is that you are have experienced is absolutely "PERFECT" for you and your journey. Accepting what is.. IS VITAL to your recovery. You can't change what is.. or what has happened to you but you can choose to grow from it or continue to allow it to hold you hostage.
Hang in there and know that I am just one of your fellow strugglers on the journey to recovery.
God Bless!
See I came from a family of over achievers. Most of my older siblings didn't have this overwhelming need like I did to have attention or to be accepted. I went through life wondering if I was born into the wrong family. They were homecoming kings, ASB presidents, leads in plays and overall liked by many. Then there was me that took a back seat to people wanting to be around me since I was so difficult to manage.
I look back now and so much of my heartache I created myself but at the time I didn't have the tools necessary to deal with all the many emotions going on inside of me so I turned to food as my comfort. From an early age, I began to eat away my emotions. Somehow the food gave me the needed relief from feeling rejected by those around me and thus started this enormous unhealthy association with food. It wasn't long after that time that I started to put on weight which separated me even more from my thin, healthy siblings.
Emotionally I began isolating myself. I didn't want to let anyone in for fear of further rejection. If they really knew my true feelings, I would NEVER be accepted. See from a young age I took on some very unhealthy faulty core belief systems, like.. 'I am stupid,' and 'I am not worthy of being loved or accepted,' and 'Who I am, is NOT ok,' and 'If I open up and share my true feelings, no one will want me.' It was no wonder, no matter what anyone said that was positive could never penetrate through these beliefs I had. My emotional walls were too thick for anything to get through. I held these beliefs up until these last couple of years. You can imagine how this would create some interesting experiences in life.
I wonder how many of us have similar beliefs that we picked up from a very young age and still carry with us and then wonder why we have the unhealthy relationships we do. I believe that we manifest what we believe and if we believe we are not worthy of something we will find people in our lives who will support those unhealthy core beliefs. This creates a heck of a lot of frustration. We question ourselves and often find ourselves asking the question.. 'Why does this keep happening to me?' I know I did many times.
As I went on every diet out there, trying to "Fix" the problem, I kept running myself in circles because I wasn't getting to the core of the problem. At the core of it all, were these faulty core beliefs I had picked up soo many years ago. As I have gotten into "recovery" and taken the spiritual journey I have, I am learning how to get to those core faulty beliefs and release them and then replace them with healthy beliefs. This has completely changed my life.
I can't change what I don't acknowledge. A quote that came to me about a month ago is "Living a life intentionally takes effort and dedication." It's not easy to be conscious of our thoughts and our actions. It takes not reacting but rather pondering and listening for guidance within ourselves as to what feels right and then making decisions on those impressions.
I am learning that when I am feeling uneasy about something, I need to pay attention to it and not just eat it away and ignore it. I am learning to trust my gut and to take action.
If you would have asked me a couple of years ago if I would be where I am today, I would have laughed at you and told you I had absolutely NO discipline and I couldn’t possibly be able to be where I am today. I didn't have any discipline whatsoever. I always looked at my sister who was so good at that and wondered what was wrong with me. What I didn't realize was I was full of an addiction that had a strong hold on me and had been apart of my life my entire life. Once I acknowledged it, I could then take action to cleaning it up. Just because I have addiction present in my life doesn't mean that I am a bad person. A better way of seeing addiction is it’s the "natural man" or our weaknesses. I believe God gave us weaknesses in order to teach us to rely on Him.
It has taken a lot of practice on my part.. "One day at a time" to be in recovery. I do my best to take responsibility for my actions and my thoughts. I know I am not perfect and I slip at times but the most important thing I try and remember is to get back on the horse and keep going. NEVER QUIT. Living our lives is NOT about beating ourselves up. God would NEVER want us to do that. He is a loving God who wants so badly for you to feel his unconditional love for you. He is the one constant and as I have learned to turn to him and be willing to allow him into my life, he has created a miracle out of my life. I could NOT have done this on my own. I know I tried for sooo many years and told myself that I was bad because I didn’t have the willpower. I have learned it has NOTHING to do with willpower… it’s all about my “willingness.” My willingness to get up everyday and turn my will over to God’s and allow Him to carry me. My willingness to work the program the way it is written.
I love what someone told me the other day, “God can’t drive a parked car.” As I mentioned that to someone last night in a meeting she added to it by saying, “God can’t drive a parked car especially when you have the emergency brake on and the keys not in the ignition.” So dang true. For me I had to be “WILLING” to start the car and get into action and move so that God could create the miracle. I love what someone said the other day too.. “Don’t give up before the miracle happens.” How many times in life do we give up right before the miracle happens? How many miracles don’t happen because of our lack of Faith? Never give up. Let go and let God. These are things I tell myself all the time as I hit tough times and want to give up. For me, I don’t allow much space in my thoughts for negativity. My whole life has been full of negative thinking and I am working very hard to rid myself of those thoughts. When I find myself going there in my thoughts, I quickly redirect my thoughts to positive messages about who I am and what I stand for. It helps to keep me grounded.
I can't say it has been easy and at the same time I wouldn't change one thing when it comes to my experiences in life. I know now that I was born in the absolute perfect family for me. I am blessed to have a family who loves each other and are "GOOD" people striving to make a difference in other people's lives.
It's not about the perfect family.. or the perfect upbringing. Some of you out there have experienced things I would NEVER wish upon anyone in this lifetime and at the same time I challenge you to just consider that whatever it is that you are have experienced is absolutely "PERFECT" for you and your journey. Accepting what is.. IS VITAL to your recovery. You can't change what is.. or what has happened to you but you can choose to grow from it or continue to allow it to hold you hostage.
Hang in there and know that I am just one of your fellow strugglers on the journey to recovery.
God Bless!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
1 Year Anniversary "Birthday" 11-11-10
It's been a beautiful day. Very productive in many ways. I knew something exciting would happen today and sure enough it did. I made it a year working with a sponsor and working the program as it is written. It's a total miracle. I was asked today how I did it and I did it .. with God.. "One day at a time." That is all I have control over is today and today only. Really there has been great power in that concept.
Before I started recovery, I was all over the place emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Today, I am grateful for the HUGE amount of peace I feel in my life. That is not to say that I don't have those days where I feel a huge amount of pain, fear and loneliness the only difference now is that I lead upon my Heavenly Father for strength as I hold on and wait for those feelings to pass. I heard someone say today that she used to eat her emotions. Man, that is soo true. I would do just about anything to avoid having to feel for any amount of time those types of feelings. Now I am getting really comfortable with feeling uncomfortable.
I am really working a lot on myself right now in going even deeper into my recovery. I am working on finding my true value and seeking it straight from God. Regardless of what anyone else thinks or feels about me is really none of my business. As long as I am right with God and doing what I feel I am called to do, I feel that is where I want to be.
I used to always want to be someone I wasn't. Until I started down this journey, I didn't feel I had any right to be me. What I have discovered is that being who I am, feeling what I do, and speaking my truth with others is what I am here to do. Being my authentic loving person can be more difficult at times than others. I am learning it takes practice to get this stuff down. I am grateful for the many teachers I have in my life that allow me the opportunities to grow. This life is just one big experiment. My emotions are getting tested. My physical body has totally transformed, the light in my eyes has brightened, my connection with God is clear, my uniqueness is being shown to the world, my spirit is connecting with others in a very deep way, I seek for God's approval over man's and do the very best I can to be the best person I can be. This is proving to be difficult at times but I just keep picking myself up if I fall and keep going. This life is a journey.... not a destination. I keep reminding myself of that. I wasn't created perfect and in the process, I am learning to lean more on God for my strength, believing that he will make my weaknesses into strengths.. one weakness at a time. It's possible. I have seen Him take away this compulsion I had to eat, now I am seeking relief from the other parts of me that are weak. Not bad or good.. just is.
Today, instead of writing a note to God with what I want to surrender in my life, I am writing a thank you letter for the many blessings he has given me. I decided it was about time that in this box goes all my worries I hope to trump it with my blessings. I think sometimes God may enjoy hearing those gratitude letters as well. ;)
With that... another year goes by.. "One day at a time!"
Before I started recovery, I was all over the place emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Today, I am grateful for the HUGE amount of peace I feel in my life. That is not to say that I don't have those days where I feel a huge amount of pain, fear and loneliness the only difference now is that I lead upon my Heavenly Father for strength as I hold on and wait for those feelings to pass. I heard someone say today that she used to eat her emotions. Man, that is soo true. I would do just about anything to avoid having to feel for any amount of time those types of feelings. Now I am getting really comfortable with feeling uncomfortable.
I am really working a lot on myself right now in going even deeper into my recovery. I am working on finding my true value and seeking it straight from God. Regardless of what anyone else thinks or feels about me is really none of my business. As long as I am right with God and doing what I feel I am called to do, I feel that is where I want to be.
I used to always want to be someone I wasn't. Until I started down this journey, I didn't feel I had any right to be me. What I have discovered is that being who I am, feeling what I do, and speaking my truth with others is what I am here to do. Being my authentic loving person can be more difficult at times than others. I am learning it takes practice to get this stuff down. I am grateful for the many teachers I have in my life that allow me the opportunities to grow. This life is just one big experiment. My emotions are getting tested. My physical body has totally transformed, the light in my eyes has brightened, my connection with God is clear, my uniqueness is being shown to the world, my spirit is connecting with others in a very deep way, I seek for God's approval over man's and do the very best I can to be the best person I can be. This is proving to be difficult at times but I just keep picking myself up if I fall and keep going. This life is a journey.... not a destination. I keep reminding myself of that. I wasn't created perfect and in the process, I am learning to lean more on God for my strength, believing that he will make my weaknesses into strengths.. one weakness at a time. It's possible. I have seen Him take away this compulsion I had to eat, now I am seeking relief from the other parts of me that are weak. Not bad or good.. just is.
Today, instead of writing a note to God with what I want to surrender in my life, I am writing a thank you letter for the many blessings he has given me. I decided it was about time that in this box goes all my worries I hope to trump it with my blessings. I think sometimes God may enjoy hearing those gratitude letters as well. ;)
With that... another year goes by.. "One day at a time!"
Friday, November 5, 2010
"I will greet today with Love in my heart." Scroll II - Og Mandino
As I have gone through this journey of self discovery, I am learning first how important it is to love me... ALL OF ME. All my defects, all my weaknesses. It all makes up who I am. Before I didn't want to accept any part of those things as who I am because of the shame I felt around them. What I am realizing now is that God gave me these weaknesses so that I could learn to rely on Him and His power to overcome those aspects of myself. I know first hand how God can turn weaknesses into strengths because he has taken this compulsion I had to eat from me. I am now going deeper in my recovery to work on other parts of me that I desire to be free from.
Because I have learned to love and accept me, I am learning to love and accept others as well exactly where they are. It's not my job in anyway to judge others. I try, as Og teaches, to jump into their world and see life as they may be seeing it. It helps me feel empathy. I know what it feels like to not be heard so I try my best to gift others a listening ear and to allow them to express themselves how they need to. I have always been someone that connects with others easily and I believe that has everything to do with the amount of love I have in my heart for them.
It's almost like God allowed me to go through extreme feelings of loneliness so that I would know what it feels like. I was in church the other day and a gal got up and talked about some of her struggles she has been going through. She talked about being in service to others and gave some examples of things we could do. One of which was to smile or write a note. She is quite heavy and I can only imagine how she may feel and where she is going for her comfort as she finds her way through these challenging times in her life. I ended up writing her a note, thanking her for her talk and for the angel she was in my life that day. Afterwards she came up to me and gave me a huge hug and thanked me. I have never met her before but because of what I am learning and putting into practice about having love in my heart, it allows me the space to connect with other fellow strugglers.
If only we could practice this one principle more in our lives, I feel there would be a lot more peace in this world. I love all aspects of my life. Not just the good one but I love the seemingly bad things because they are all teaching me. Knowing that all things shall give thee experience brings a lot of peace into my life.
I used to say in my work when someone would say something cross to me.. "Kill them with kindness!" That is what I did. It almost became a challenge for me and every time it was amazing to watch the miracle that occurred before my eyes. They almost didn't know how to react and eventually would come around. People just need to be loved and understood. I have not always been good at that and at times I still slip but I do my best and God makes up the rest.
Because I have learned to love and accept me, I am learning to love and accept others as well exactly where they are. It's not my job in anyway to judge others. I try, as Og teaches, to jump into their world and see life as they may be seeing it. It helps me feel empathy. I know what it feels like to not be heard so I try my best to gift others a listening ear and to allow them to express themselves how they need to. I have always been someone that connects with others easily and I believe that has everything to do with the amount of love I have in my heart for them.
It's almost like God allowed me to go through extreme feelings of loneliness so that I would know what it feels like. I was in church the other day and a gal got up and talked about some of her struggles she has been going through. She talked about being in service to others and gave some examples of things we could do. One of which was to smile or write a note. She is quite heavy and I can only imagine how she may feel and where she is going for her comfort as she finds her way through these challenging times in her life. I ended up writing her a note, thanking her for her talk and for the angel she was in my life that day. Afterwards she came up to me and gave me a huge hug and thanked me. I have never met her before but because of what I am learning and putting into practice about having love in my heart, it allows me the space to connect with other fellow strugglers.
If only we could practice this one principle more in our lives, I feel there would be a lot more peace in this world. I love all aspects of my life. Not just the good one but I love the seemingly bad things because they are all teaching me. Knowing that all things shall give thee experience brings a lot of peace into my life.
I used to say in my work when someone would say something cross to me.. "Kill them with kindness!" That is what I did. It almost became a challenge for me and every time it was amazing to watch the miracle that occurred before my eyes. They almost didn't know how to react and eventually would come around. People just need to be loved and understood. I have not always been good at that and at times I still slip but I do my best and God makes up the rest.
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