Strong words I know but that was where I was back in February 2009. Sometimes we need to get to the absolute rock bottom before we turn our will over to God. What is it that we fear so much in giving that will over to God? I know for me it was the fear of losing control. Funny thing is that when I finally got willing to turn my will over, He then gave me the strength to overcome.
I mentioned in my last blog that I had a case of Candida and eventually that was going to turn into cancer and still I just couldn't find it within myself to let go and let God. I was in the darkest time of my life back then. My marriage was so unhealthy, I was eating myself to death, I had isolated myself from the world and from just about everything that had ever meant something to me and was buried in serious denial. I didn't know what I didn't know. I was hurting others because I was hurting deep inside. I didn't know how to stop what I was doing; I just knew something had to change.
Thank God for Angels. Even though I felt so alone and that God had abandoned me he still sent Angels into my life to help carry me through it. I look back now and see exactly when he started planting them in my life so that in the right moment they would be able to serve me in the ways I needed. For some of you, this blog and my writing may be a form of service to you. Maybe there is a reason you have been led to me and my own personal story. I can tell you from my experience, I feel very very drawn to write to you each day. It's almost as though I know you without knowing you. I feel your pain, I feel your frustration and desire sometimes to just give up and give into that darkness that takes hold of you. Well, I don't care to give much time and credit to this dark side although we all have darkness around us. I choose to live in the light and put things in place to bring me light which ultimately brings me life.
Whether you want to believe it or not, you have the ability to choose whether you live in light or darkness. When you align yourself with the powers of Heaven and allow His healing power to accompany you, He is all powerful and can create a miracle in your life. One thing he WON'T do is take your agency away from you so if you are not willing to turn to Him he will not force you to. I am one stubborn girl and it took me years to get willing but when I did, the miracle happened. "Don't give up before the miracle happens in your life." I sometimes wonder if God just shakes his head at me when he sees the choices I make. He sees the entire picture.... I only can see what I can see which is very limited. I have had to learn that God knows what's best for me and as I trust in Him, He shows me the way.
Change or Die may or may not apply to you but for me it was reality. I was slowly dying. For some of you, there are thing in your life that may or may not be weight related, that are killing you. It could be an abusive relationship or loneliness or isolation or workaholics, self esteem, debt, family problems, other addictions, or just about anything that keeps you in your own personal darkness. These issues in life are life and as you choose to look at them as gifts rather than punishments, I promise you.. you will experience a major shift in your thinking. Ask yourself, 'what is it that I need to learn from this situation?' Sometimes I ask myself, 'Why is this person in my life? What are they here to teach me?' When I ponder over my answers to these questions, I find clarity and peace. Life can be difficult. I have experienced it. I still experience it at times; the difference now is I am spending more of my time in the light because of what I choose to focus my attention on.
I personally do a lot of writing on a daily basis. Now more that I am blogging everyday but in my own personal recovery, I do recovery reading and writing daily. This keeps my mind processing. Since I was very young, I started a journal. Up until I got married, I had written a total of 20 journals. Writing was a way for me to express myself since I lived in so much isolation from a young age. Once I got married and saw signs of abuse right away, I didn't dare write that in black and white for fear someone would find out. I wrote a total of about 10 entries in 7 years of marriage. That just tells you how much I isolated and kept things to myself. Although people close to me saw signs of it all, they never really knew the truth of what we were creating in our marriage. I say WE because it took both of us to create sickness. I literally was dying. I could feel it but couldn't for the life of me figure out how to get out of it. Part of me didn't want to get out of it because I feared too much being alone. It was better to be in an abusive marriage than to face being alone forever. I had looked at friends of mine who were gorgeous and they were struggling dating, I often would ask myself the question, "if they can't get married, there is no chance of me EVER getting married.' Obviously, I don't feel that way any longer.
There are all kinds of things in our lives that we know are unhealthy for us but we still do them because we fear change. I am here to tell you that as I started to stand for myself and understand and acknowledge my own personal worth that was when the strength came to surrender to God's will for me. It was very difficult at times AND God provided beautiful Angels to be there to walk hand in hand with me through the process. My story is unique to me and doesn't have to be your story but take time to acknowledge those people that God has placed in your life to help you. Be open to allowing them to be there for you. For many of you if you are anything like me, I REALLY struggled with allowing myself to receive. Just as recent as a couple of weeks ago when I got a pedicure, I was really up against it because I couldn't see that I was worth paying someone $30 to take care of my feet in the dead of winter. Funny thing is it wasn't even my own money I was having a hard time giving up. A friend of mine gave me the money to go and get them done.
I still am learning and growing. We learn and grow side by side with each other through this journey. I do believe that we are all here to help one another. You help me... I help you. Every day I ask God to place me in people's lives that I may inspire and serve them. It's what I live for. I look for opportunities to be in service and then I thank God when those opportunities come.
The number of people reading this blog has sky rocked almost overnight and I can't tell you how much that means to me. It is a miracle and just is one more indication that I am doing God's work. Please share this blog with others that may benefit from my writings. My soul purpose in life is the Inspire
Others and to bring a Message of Hope to those still struggling and you are showing me that I am on the path in accomplishing my purpose.