Thursday, June 10, 2010
I am learning to live in the present. Whenever I find myself thinking about the past or dreaming of the future, I bring myself to the present where I am grateful for the many blessings I have. Even as I type this, I am grateful for the instrumental music I am playing, the low light, the clean kitchen, and the beautiful peaceful energy that surrounds me in my place.
As with anything in life, patience is required to gain the great reward at the end. I have found as I learn to delay instant gratification, it frees me up to make healthy choices. I don't always do this but I am a lot more conscience of this addict of mine that wants things now. As I acknowledge these urges more and more... I then begin to see that I can better make healthy decisions. I am no longer a slave to those urges.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
When I was a young girl, I don't know if there was ever a time when I didn't get bucked off when I got on a horse. I think they just knew how terrified I was of them and figured they could get away with that. I didn't know how to stand for myself and be the boss. Maybe that is what my father was trying to teach me with this lesson is how to be confident in who I am.
This weekend I got bucked off. I felt the pain and then surrendered to what is and picked myself back up brushed myself off and jumped back into the saddle. Just because I got back in the saddle doesn't mean the pain of the experience went away it just shows I am "Willing" to continue.
I have found that willingness is the key to just about everything. God can't lead those who are unwilling. When I finally learned to turn my "Will" to God.. He finally stepped in and assisted me through some very tough things.
Today marks a very important step for me in my recovery and God was with me the whole time. He allowed me to be carried at times by my beautiful angels. Just when I think God isn't watching he keeps throwing in mini miracles....really they are huge miracles because I see what life would have been had it gone a different way.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
This weekend's training taught me that when I am triggered, it has NOTHING to do with that person. It's a wound within myself that isn't healed yet. So.. I go deep within myself and do some investigation into what is it that triggered those feelings of fear, lonliness and pain? As I go searching, I find times in my life that I have been judgemental towards others which really intern is a reflection of my own judgements of myself. I can't change what I don't acknowledge and until I am ready to take a closer look at these deeper feelings within myself am I able to then have the freedom to make certain choices. It's beautiful. I can't say that it is without pain because pain is inevidable but suffering is a choice.
Each day I seem to get stronger and stronger in standing for health. Not just for my own personal body but also for my mind. It's a journey not a destination it takes work. In order to truly be free from bondage I have learned it takes turning things over to God and allowing him to do for me what I am unable to do with myself.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Progress is part of the journey. The Adversary wants me to think that I have to be perfect or else I am a frailer. I understand that there are going to be days where I may fall flat on my face and those days are perfect for me because it just shows me where I am and what it is that I still need to work on. Those days when I find myself in my addict are days that I get to practice surrendering or staying stuck trying to control it. Those days give me opportunity for choices and growth. If I look at those days when I fall short and feel shame around them, I might miss the lesson all together and I don’t want to risk that. Life is truly a journey and the journey has many ups and downs. I am just grateful that I mainly have ups these days in my life.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Why is it that we think that some external being or experience is what will finally make it all right for us to move forward in our lives? Do we not have the agency to make whatever it is happen that we choose to? What keeps us stuck where we are and afraid to take risks to move in a positive manner and create unity and success in our lives? These are all questions I am pondering today.
As I am about to go into another weekend of training, I can't help but think what is it that I have created or not created in the last 4 weeks? For me, so many lessons have come my way. I have learned that I can stand up for what I believe, that I can learn to accept myself exactly where I am at any given moment, that other's are an important part of my journey, it's important for me to focus soley on what it is that I can do to contribute to our team, that I hide behind a wall of words at times and that I need to just "BE" the example and not talk about it, that showing up matters, that I am a beautiful person inside and out, it's ok to be ME, inpiring people doesn't have much to do with what I say but what I do, that resistance is part of the process of life and I have a choice on how I deal with it and I have the choice to surrender or not any given moment of my life.