One thing that has been an AMAZING blessing to me in my life over the last year or so is this concept of True forgiveness is FREEDOM. I can't tell you how learning to forgive has brought me so much peace into my soul. I first had to learn to forgive myself. When I was married, I was not well. Meaning.. wasn't well in mind, body or soul. I did a lot of damage as well as a lot happened to me. After the fact my former husband asked me the question, "Why did you marry me?" My answer to him was a simple one which was, 'because I was sick.' That is the truth. I was sick. That isn't anyone's fault nor would I ever change any part of my life because I believe everything happens for a reason. I was sick in the sense, I didn't love myself so therefore I couldn't possibly allow anyone else to love me either. So I ended up attracting into my life another person who was also not healthy at the time which didn't make for, at times, a pleasant relationship. There has been a lot of healing that has happened over the last couple of years for me and I have learned to discover who I am. I first had to get real and honest with what I created during that time. That started with me forgiving myself. That was a tough one for sure. How do you go from years and years of negative self talk, to pushing people away for fear of rejection, tons of beating myself up emotionally, isolation, anger, rage, and self pity and then go to a place of peace around every moment of that being perfect for my journey. The only answer to that for me was that I surrendered it to God and God healed my heart. He healed it so much that I feel compassion for I those people who have hurt me including myself.
I know I still have work to do around this but it still keeps surprising me when something comes up and I am able to give back unconditional love and forgiveness as though I had no walls of fears. It's the fears that I would be hurt again or that I needed to somehow protect my heart that kept me from forgiving. So as I have gone through this process of healing from what I experienced in my life, I am finding complete and utter FREEDOM. What does freedom feel like you might ask? For me it feels light, free, peaceful, full of excitement, Pure love, serenity and calm. It has freed me up to respond rather than to React. I can "BE" without being affected by others. Before I couldn't help but want to control everything...that other person did or said. I felt it was my job to dictate what was right and what was wrong for him. I had no right to do that.. and still I felt if I didn't try and control it that I was somehow giving up on myself and him. Now, it's beautiful to be in a place where I can pray for him, I can send good positive energy his way and to allow him to be him. That's all he ever wanted and that is what he deserves. I feel the same way as well. I am finally free to be me. I can only be me and who I am I truly love and appreciate. I can't say I have EVER felt that before in my life until now.
So much of that freedom comes from the process of God healing my broken heart and allowing myself to feel again. What matters to me? Who am I and what is my purpose here? Who's life am I here to touch and inspire? These are questions I NEVER could have imagined I would have answers to a couple of years ago. I was in so much darkness, I was doing everything I could to just stay afloat and most of the time I couldn't even do that.
So how do you go about learning to forgive? For me it first started with me writing about the pain I was feeling. I would talk to certain people. My counselor was one that helped me see a lot of what I wasn't seeing in myself. I still to this day sometimes doubt who I am and in the amount of an impact I can have in this world. Not good or Bad.. just is. I do A LOT of writing. It has been soo therapeutic for me. It helps me process the feelings I had held inside for soo many years. In many ways isolation was another way of controlling things. If no one knew.. I wouldn't have to be accountable to anyone.
There is no isolation in my life anymore. No more lies.. no more darkness. I am an open book where I have nothing to hide anymore. I am who I am and like I said earlier, I LOVE who I am and I say that with all the humility in the world. I finally accept who I see in the mirror. It's not just what I look like on the outside, more importantly, I LOVE who I am in the inside. My heart is pure, my intentions are clear and I am so grateful for all the many blessings and lessons I have learned along the way. I just can't wait for even more challenging times ahead. I will see them as opportunities not obstacles for that is exactly what they are.