Tuesday, March 15, 2011
"Out of the Darkness and INTO the LIGHT"
As I shared my story tonight in one of our meetings, it's evident to me just how much of my life I have lived in the darkness. I guess I couldn't fully appreciate the light that I am living in now if I hadn't been in the dark for so long. See addiction and weakness lives in hiding and darkness. It's no accident that when I felt lots of shame in my life that I held back my feelings from others and emotionally started to shut down. I figured if I kept those horrible feelings to myself, that I wouldn't risk further rejection from others. What I am learning now is that when I share those most vulnerable thoughts is when I truly start to connect soul to soul with others. Many times it's because it creates a safe space for others to share those thoughts and feelings they have never felt safe to share. Right there is where you can begin to heal. I can't tell you how many times I have heard people that I work with say.. "I have NEVER shared this with anyone." Well.. in the process of even voicing it to someone else releases the energy of it and brings it into the light.
Choose to get out of the darkness. Believe me speaking from experience, living a life where I don't have anymore secrets has given me TOTAL FREEDOM. I can't express to you the weight that has been lifted from me. Even the very things I struggled sharing and getting out, come to find out I wasn't alone. So here I was carrying around my own secrets to only find out that others have done the same thing and it's really no big deal. Dang it... many years of wasted energy. Although I say that.. I also believe everything happens for a reason. Even if you don't feel comfortable sharing things with another person at this time, allow yourself the permission to write it in a journal.
I was telling someone today that I wrote in 20 journals before I got married and when I quickly realized how unhealthy my marriage was, I wasn't about to write any of my REAL feelings down on paper for fear someone would find it. A month after I got married I was pregnant. I didn't want to get pregnant that fast but when it happened, there was no stopping it.. so I thought. Inside.. in my quiet moments, I was scared to death. Not only was I seeing signs of an unhealthy marriage, we didn't have insurance and made very little money. I felt the weight of a freight train coming towards me as I thought of having this baby. I didn't feel prepared and I knew there would be no turning back. Soon into the pregnancy I started having problems. I met with the doctor after only 5 weeks, he told me he couldn't see anything and said he would have my blood drawn to check to see if my levels kept rising. Sure enough they kept rising but still no sign of a pregnancy. This wasn't good and when I reached 8 weeks, I started to miscarry. It was the most painful thing I had ever experienced and not long after that they rushed me into surgery to remove what they thought was an ectopic pregnancy. Sure enough they ended up removing the ectopic pregnancy and blocked off my left tube. I was terrified and at the same time relieved although I never shared that with anyone.
This and many other experiences caused me to go into major hiding when it came to my emotions and feelings towards wanting children. Although I have always had a strong desire for children, I didn't want to bring them into this marriage that I felt was unhealthy. So each time I would get pregnant, I would secretly hope I would lose it so that I wouldn't have to face my fears around it. I couldn't risk having others know my true feelings because after all I was married now, not getting any younger and feeling the pressure from others around me to have children. It wasn't uncommon that on mother's day someone would come up to me and tell me .. "It's ok.. you are a mother too." I would think to myself.. 'please don't try and convince me that I was a mother because it was hard enough to deal with the darkness I was living in than to have others try make it all better." Funny thing is it sounded much like the comments I would get back when I was single.
Long story short, that was the beginning of me going into MAJOR isolation and darkness around what was really going on in my life. In my mind, if I ever told anyone how I was truly feeling, I would risk ever being able to have a child. It soon became evident to me that we might have to go the route of adoption or foster care. If anyone of my friends knew the abuse that was happening, they would have to tell the truth of what they knew and that would put an end to me EVER having a chance of being a mother. I couldn't risk that.