So I was challenged last night by a friend of mine to take on a stretch which included getting a massage and going to our local Dillard's to purchase an outfit from head to toe without looking at the price. I have to say, I didn't realize just how hard it would be to do that. Although I put my shopping at Dillard's off til tomorrow, I did go get a massage earlier today. I have to be honest and say, it was quite difficult to spend the money to do it. Don't get me wrong, I love massages but the only few times I have had one, I was given it as a gift, which by the way took me a year to use and another time I got a huge discount on it.
So this brings me to my point that what I am getting from doing this stretch so far is how many times in my life I have discounted myself. Seriously.. discounted myself. This is totally new to me to be paying full price for ANYTHING for myself. I look around my house and can tell you just about how much money everything cost me. All of my furniture is ripped or has something wrong with it because that is how I got it discounted. My clothes are mostly given to me by others or bought at the thrift store. I have to admit I dress really cute but still ... it's all discounted. Even down to my silverware.. that I bought at the outlets. My chair I am sitting in .. got for $10 from an online. My computer I bought from some kid that was selling it at a HUGE discount. My couch, large over sized chair.. and large oak table were all bought at one of those outlet stores. Of course each one of them having something wrong with it in order for me to have gotten it discounted. My bar chairs..I got at the local thrift store. Even as I am writing this I can't believe just how much of my life I have lived in this space of scarcity and discounts.
After sharing my stretch with a few people today, I have had women come up to me and tell me that they would have no problem going and spending big money on clothes. I have NEVER been that type of girl... obviously. I used to pride myself on the fact that I wasn't one of those women that spent tons of money. What I didn't realize is that my entire life.. I have been discounting myself.
When I was challenged last night to not be attached to the money that any of this would cost me and focus more on the fact that I am a beautiful worthy women who deserves to be treated as such, I didn't realize just how hard this would be for me. I am being serious when I say it kills me to do this and at the same time, I know it's time. It's time that I step up to the plate and start treating myself as the BEAUTIFUL, POWERFUL, CONFIDENT WOMAN.. I am! I can't possibly teach others in this world how to love and honor themselves if I haven't been willing to walk through my own door of worthiness. This doorway to my true authentic beautiful being is unlocking something deep within myself that I haven't been able to tap into until now.
So today was the first step in me appreciating and honoring myself. When I was done with my massage, I drove to the bank and pulled out a $20 bill. I decided that I would donate that $20 to the 12 step program that I work. Money is just money. It's only energy. I am learning to let it flow through me rather than for me to hold it soo tight in scarcity that I can't share it with others. Growing up in a family of 5 kids in the San Francisco bay area with a salary of a college professor, we didn't have a lot. I remember my mother washing all the zip lock bags because she couldn't seem to throw them away. I did the same thing when I got older. I am done living this life of scarcity where I feel like if I pay full price somehow I didn't get a deal. One thing my friend told me was that I am robbing that other person who created the item by discounting them or their services. Gosh.. this is not easy but I am seeing it's a necessary start to me learning to take care of myself and most importantly, NOT discounting who I am.
When I am in service and gratitude in this world, I am open to receive and willing to give. It's an exchange of energy and with everything going on in my life right now, it's VITAL that I step through this and get on the other side so that God can guide me and that I be in a place of receiving. He has a lot to give me right now so I better get my arms open wide to receive the abundance.
ACT NOW: If this calls to you, get $20 and allow yourself to be directed to who needs this. After I pulled my $20 out, my friend said he was going to do the same. It's about not being attached to the paper that we put so much meaning to. It's about paying it forward. In this country we have been given soo much abundance, it's not meant to be kept and horded.... it's meant to flow freely.