Tuesday, April 5, 2011

"What about this SHAME?"

Sometimes my shame gets the best of me. I think back to the days I was heavy and in my addiction not able to control what I ate. All I could think of was getting the next fix of sugar or flour and then beating myself up over it all after I had stuffed myself so badly I couldn't breathe. I had a similar experience today as I went shopping for clothes for a photo shoot I am doing tomorrow. I found myself going from shop to shop trying on different things and then shaming myself over the things I ended up buying. This shame stuff is horrible. In reality I am always searching for something more than I already have. It's not about the clothes.. it's about the filling the emptiness inside of me I feel sometimes. There is an excitement to me seeing my new self in cute attractive clothes .. AND at the same time, I have plenty of cute clothes I don't need more. It's being happy with what I have and not always needing more. This shame is what will take us if we are not careful. Unhealthy shame is what drives unhealthy behaviors and worse off addictions. I know for me if I am not careful, the shame will convince me that I am not worth living a life of peace and serenity. If I give into the the lies of the shame I will eventually find myself back in the food and worse off, back to my 266 lbs. As for today, I choose not to allow the shame to take over and I divert my attention elsewhere. "What you focus on expands," and for me I can't afford to stay in a place of shame. I have come too far to head backwards.

So it is what it is and as I take a good hard look at where I am in my life, I am grateful for the many blessings I have been given... for the opportunities I am having to connect with some of the most talented, loving, caring people in this world. You may ask, how do I deal with this shame that haunts me at times..well today I am writing about it and getting out of isolation about it. I know when I want to hide, I am not in a healthy place... so I choose to reach out to others. I know the only one who can truly fill the emptiness inside of me is God and as I turn to Him, he gives me comfort.

So.. for tonight, I get my gratitude journal out once again and start listing my gratitude's because that keeps me in a space of love for all that I have. I haven't traveled all over the world but I can only imagine we have it good here in the good old United States. Today as I was out driving around, I couldn't help but be grateful for the beautiful blue sky and the HUGE snow covered mountains I am surrounded by. They provide me such great energy.

I have deep feelings of wanting to be loved just as all of us do. Because of how crazy my life has been lately I feel I have slipped a bit in having that peace. As I took some time for myself and did Yoga tonight, I was reminded how important it is to get grounded and pause from all the chatter that goes on in my head. There are a lot of things in life to distract us from finding that peace.. it takes us consciously making the time to just sit.. ponder... and allow our minds to rest from the worries of the day. Grateful a friend of mine suggested Yoga. I really enjoyed it.

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