Sunday, June 19, 2011

"Triggers.....What are they?"

I have to say today has been a day of triggers for me. Not good or bad.. just is. So what is a trigger? Many times I say that word, people kind of look at me strange. The best way I have to explain what a trigger is if one minute you are feeling totally fine and at peace and then something someone says or does, triggers a strong emotion within you that doesn't feel so good. Ever had that happen to you? Well it happened to me 2 separate times to me today.

So why do we get triggered? Well, for me it usually means there is something for me to learn more about myself. Triggers have very very little to do with that other person. Many times we want to blame our triggers on others because that keeps us in a place of being a victim. To me triggers are there to teach me.. even when they are painful at times and I don't know in the  moment what they mean.

So today as I got triggered as someone was talking in church, I realized afterwards it was because what was being said sounded just like me many years ago when I wasn't in a good place in my life. Not to say that the person is where I was.. she just brought all those feelings back to me. Again not good or bad.. just is. It's all just information the feelings it stirred in me.

After I had time to reflect, make a phone call and turn to God to seek for answers to the "why," I realized  why I do what I do and why I am so passionate about it. I spend time blogging, coaching people, sharing my story with others, all because I hate to see people continue down the road of self hatred. It's everywhere. With men.. with women. I KNOW what it feels like to be in a place where I have felt like a failure and that I couldn't do anything right and that no one would ever want me. I know what it feels like to wish I could end of my life so I didn't have to worry about fitting in or doing the wrong thing. I know what it feels like to feel true rejection. I know what it feels like to not see one ounce of hope in my life regarding my weight, my worth, my relationships etc. I know and have been to the darkest of dark for me when I wanted to end my life thinking it was going to solve it all. I know what it feels like to live in such SHAME that I never thought I couldn't have it any other way.

I also have experienced the greatest amount of JOY possible for me to this point in my life. Once I experienced this abundant JOY and PEACE in my life.. there is no turning back. I now know what it feels like and when I don't feel it, I am unsettled and do everything I can to get it back. So when I got triggered today, instead of freaking out and going into the food or some other unhealthy behavior, I turned to God and to others who could help me get through it to seek for answers. It's time for me to go in and then up to God for understanding. If you think about it, God is the ultimate source of answers. So what did I learn from my triggers today...

  • I learned that it's important to accept others for exactly where their at.
  • I learned that if God wants me to be in service in sharing my story... he will provide the way, I don't have to force that onto anyone.
  • I learned that when I get triggered to not react but instead not engage in conversation til I have had time to sit with what I am to learn.
  • I learned that first and foremost I need to take care of myself
  • I learned that other's problems are not mine to fix unless God provides the EASY path to do so
  • I learned that God loves me 
  • I learned that I am not perfect however it's ok I am perfectly where I am
  • I learned to always be open and share what is in my heart as long as I am straight in my intentions
  • I learned even more how important it is to connect authentically with others. 
  • I learned people who I am triggered by are there to teach me something about me.. NOT THEM.
So much of life is about trial and error. I love that I get to on a daily basis discover more and more about me. I get to go deeper in my recovery.. deeper in my healing.. deeper in my connection with God. He truly is my partner and the more I include him in EVERYTHING.. the more I see His magical hand in ALL THINGS. 

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