It was February 23, 2009 when I decided to finally take the first steps into my recovery. Little did I know at that time that a year in half later I would be where I am now. Of course when I started that day I thought to myself .. 'I wonder if this will be it or just another one of those many diets I have tried over the last 30 years of my life and failed at?' My father always told me when I got bucked on the horse to get right back and and keep going. I guess this was yet another one of those times. My friends in my 12 step program would remind me to take it one step at a time ... one day at a time and that is what I did. I really did begin a NEW life that very day. I have always said since I was young that 'No matter what your past may be your future is always clean.' Ironically enough that saying would become very true for me in many ways. I had to change my mindset as Og talks about when he talks about shedding the old skin and putting on the new. I always felt as though I would be the victim of my past even though I quoted this quote to everyone I guess it just didn't sink in til now. I really do have the power to become whoever it is that I want to be. My past is all just information of where I was at that time. My negative thinking was getting the best of me as I thought things like... 'why try, you are just going to fail again like you always have'..and 'what makes this time any different?' ... and 'you don't deserve to be healthy and live a life free from this obsession.' ... and 'what makes you think for a second that you are worthy of any kind of happiness?" These are shame messages which were all lies that I chose to believe for soo many years of my life. They kept me stuck and made it difficult for me to move in any positive direction.
"I will form good habits and become their slave."
As I began this journey, one of the very first key ingredients to my success was to put structure into my life. Scroll 1 talks a lot about forming good habits. I realized just how important this one aspect of my recovery would have on me in my life. Boy, as an addict, I hated structure. I wanted to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it and not have anyone dictate how I was to be, act or feel. What I didn't realized at the time was that I have always craved structure because I feel safer there. See the addict hates structure and so the more and more I put structure in my life, the easier I find life to live and get 10 times more done in a day. I have come to really love the good habits I have formed. Scroll 1 helps put just basic structure in place to start reprogramming those negative thoughts we all have on a daily basis. I know for me, it's helped me truly understand and get that my past doesn't determine my future and that each and every 24 hours I get to shed my old skin and start a new life. I LOVE THAT!
"I must practice the art of patience"
Also I learned that I don't have to know all the answers right now. God will provide the answers within myself as time permits. As I surround myself with people who have the skills and attributes that I want, I strive to better myself. This helps me learn more and stretch to be that person I know I can become. Living a life as an addict most of my life, patience was definitely not something I had. I have had to learn through the last year in a half to not give into the temptation of having things RIGHT NOW. This has trickled into many aspects of my life. For instance, with buying things. I used to do a lot of impulse buying. I now ask myself often when I am wanting something .. 'Is it necessary that I buy this RIGHT NOW.. or can it wait?' This principle also applies to my food. Since I started this program, I call my sponsor every day and tell her in detail what I will be eating. Some would say this is extreme. To me, it has been vital to my own recovery. By doing this, I am intentionally living my life and not reacting out of impulse. The compulsion of eating what I wanted whenever I wanted, is what got me 130 lbs overweight. So now, as I begin my day by committing my food, I am setting myself up for success. I commit my food and then get on with my life. I didn't realize til now how much of my life I had wasted on obsessing over and over and over again about food. I love that I am finally FREE from that obsession of food.
"I will begin to awake, each morning with vitality I have never known before."
This is true. I look forward to each day in a way I never have before. The level of passion in which I live now is beautiful. I often think to myself .. 'I wonder what today will bring!' It always amazes me in any given day as I reflect back on it, the marvelous miracles which I get to experience. I had to learn to keep my eyes open to God's tender mercies and the more I recognized his hand in my life, the more he blessed me with.