For the longest time, I have had a long list of things in my life that I have "WANTED." It seems at times that those things would never come to fruition. They were always somehow out of reach and for me, being the weight I am now seemed unthinkable. I used to look at someone at this size and think to myself, 'I wonder what it would feel like to be able to tuck clothes in or be comfortable in my own skin.' See to me, everyone who was thin had their life together and was happy or if they weren't they should be. I thought if only I could get to that point everything will be perfect. I have never lived in the moment until now.
I always had clothes in my closet that were too small thinking that someday I will fit in those clothes. Over the years, I accumulated really high quality nice clothes and carried them with me for 14+ years. Finally this year as I approached that size 8, I found myself moving too quickly through the sizes and suddenly these clothes that once looked sooo small were too big for me.
How often in life do we hold onto things and carry them with us that we never use. I was living in the future - a future that I passed through so fast that I didn't get to be in. I am learning to live in the moment. I can honestly say now that there is not one piece of clothing that I own that doesn't fit me. I have to admit though it's taken awhile for me to get used to the fact that I won't be losing anymore weight and that this is who I am going to be the rest of my life. I don't ever remember a time in my life that I didn't have this on my mind.
Last night I went on a hike and when it came to a steep hill, I couldn't help but revert back to the thoughts of 'I can't hike that.. I will be out of breathe. I better not go or at least if I do, I have to hide the fact that I am out of breath.' These are thoughts left over from when I carried around an extra 130 lbs. Just like my clothes, I am still living in the past or the future. A large part of my past still lives in me when I find myself having those kinds of thoughts. To help heal from this negative thinking, I do my best to stay in the present by looking around and thanking God for what it is that I DO have in life. "Gratitude is the acceptance of things as they are." I also like to add "Gratitude is accepting who I am EXACTLY where I am right now." I can't say its easy but it releases me from the heavy weight of the shame that holds me down.
Needless to say, I have no control over the past nor the future so I am learning one day at a time to take life as it comes and enjoy the journey. Life is a journey... not a destination.