I spent just about the entire day crying. 'What is going on with me' I asked myself several times. First I was sitting in church listening to the young woman talk about their inner light and how important it is to share it with the world when I was overcome with this feeling of gratitude that they are getting opportunities to really know their worth at this age. Then it was onto working on a video for a friend of mine of him and his 4 children. As I watched it over and over again I couldn't help but feel the love that not only he has for them.. but the love that was expressed to him by them.
It's almost like God has unlocked the flood gates to my heart when it comes to Children. Several months ago, I went over to a friend of mine's home where she had 2 small children and as we were just finishing up a workout, she asked me if I wouldn't mind taking care of her kids for about an hour while she went to a meeting she had forgotten about. Her two girls were 3 and 8 months at the time. She explained to me that her little 3 year old would sit in the bathroom watching her show on the ipod and that if I wouldn't mind feeding the younger one and then put her to sleep afterwards. No problem I thought. So I did just that, left the older daughter alone in the bathroom while I fed the younger one and then rocked her to sleep. I didn't expect what happened next. As this 8 month old baby fell asleep in my arms, I couldn't help but see the gift she was to the world. I thought of how innocent she was. My heart melted as I starred at her laying in my arms. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, this was the first time I had ever held a baby this close to me before. I know what you are thinking.. huh? Yes, after losing 130 lbs, holding children is just different. I no longer have to struggle with hanging on to them or feel like they are sliding off my lap. This was different, this baby I held close to me. A feeling I had never experienced before. I went home that day with a part of my heart cracked wide open. After many years of battling with fertility problems, I felt in my heart that God was telling me that I get to experience this closeness with a baby of my own. That started me down this road of emotions when it comes to children.
As many of you know, I have been divorced for over 2 years now and while during my 7 1/2 years of marriage, I wasn't able to hold a pregnancy, I have always longed to be a mother. I have been so focused on building a career for myself, this very well might be God's way of helping me put my priorities into check. Finding myself single again and not getting any younger, I find this desire within me growing at a much faster pace. Not sure why just about anytime I hold a child or talk about having children, I begin to cry. I know that in time I will have that opportunity and know that I will be an amazing mother in whatever way that looks.
I always say to others when they begin to cry.. "Let if flow, because your soul is healing.. and healing is a wonderful thing." It's true for me to. Although I have done a lot of work on myself, I still have a lot more to get through. The healing process doesn't just end. Healing can sometimes be very painful and through the pain comes the victory. Rainbows only show up after the storm and it's the same with our lives. Once I understood that, it made life a lot more manageable.
I think one of the keys to working through the "tears of healing" is to have someone whom you trust help you. Today, a dear friend of mine shed light and feedback and at times, I found myself closing up but then I had to consciously DECIDE to stay open to the process and look within for answers and eventually the peace returned.
Now after a full day of tears, contacts out and feeling a need for sleep, I am going to allow my mind to drift off to sleep and know that tomorrow brings new light and knowledge to it... New creation.. New HOPE!
If there is one thing I have learned in life is to be tenacious. NEVER EVER GIVE UP!