"Tears of Healing" - Cracking OPEN my HEART!

I spent just about the entire day crying. 'What is going on with me' I asked myself several times. First I was sitting in church listening to the young woman talk about their inner light and how important it is to share it with the world when I was overcome with this feeling of gratitude that they are getting opportunities to really know their worth  at this age. Then it was onto working on a video for a friend of mine of him and his 4 children. As I watched it over and over again I couldn't help but feel the love that not only he has for them.. but the love that was expressed to him by them.

It's almost like God has unlocked the flood gates to my heart when it comes to Children. Several months ago, I went over to a friend of mine's home where she had 2 small children and as we were just finishing up a workout, she asked me if I wouldn't mind taking care of her kids for about an hour while she went to a meeting she had forgotten about. Her two girls were 3 and 8 months at the time. She explained to me that her little 3 year old would sit in the bathroom watching her show on the ipod and that if I wouldn't mind feeding the younger one and then put her to sleep afterwards. No problem I thought. So I did just that, left the older daughter alone in the bathroom while I fed the younger one and then rocked her to sleep. I didn't expect what happened next. As this 8 month old baby fell asleep in my  arms, I couldn't help but see the gift she was to the world. I thought of how innocent she was. My heart melted as I starred at her laying in my arms. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, this was the first time I had ever held a baby this close to me before. I know what you are thinking.. huh? Yes, after losing 130 lbs, holding children is just different. I no longer have to struggle with hanging on to them or feel like they are sliding off my lap. This was different, this baby I held close to me. A feeling I had never experienced before. I went home that day with a part of my heart cracked wide open. After many years of battling with fertility problems, I felt in my heart that God was telling me that I get to experience this closeness with a baby of my own. That started me down this road of emotions when it comes to children.

As many of you know, I have been divorced for over 2 years now and while during my 7 1/2 years of marriage, I wasn't able to hold a pregnancy, I have always longed to be a mother. I have been so focused on building a career for myself, this very well might be God's way of helping me put my priorities into check.  Finding myself single again and not getting any younger, I find this desire within me growing at a much faster pace. Not sure why just about anytime I hold a child or talk about having children, I begin to cry. I know that in time I will have that opportunity and know that I will be an amazing mother in whatever way that looks.

I always say to others when they begin to cry.. "Let if flow, because your soul is healing.. and healing is a wonderful thing." It's true for me to. Although I have done a lot of work on myself, I still have a lot more to get through. The healing process doesn't just end. Healing can sometimes be very painful and through the pain comes the victory. Rainbows only show up after the storm and it's the same with our lives. Once I understood that, it made life a lot more manageable.

I think one of the keys to working through the "tears of healing" is to have someone whom you trust help you. Today, a dear friend of mine shed light and feedback and at times, I found myself closing up but then I had to consciously DECIDE to stay open to the process and look within for answers and eventually the peace returned.

Now after a full day of tears, contacts out and feeling a need for sleep, I am going to allow my mind to drift off to sleep and know that tomorrow brings new light and knowledge to it... New creation.. New HOPE!

If there is one thing I have learned in life is to be tenacious. NEVER EVER GIVE UP!

Life Lessons Riding a Motorcycle??

Amazing experience I had tonight as a friend of mine took me for a ride on his motorcycle. I always try and be aware of the lessons I need to learn and tonight seemed to be one of those times where I felt I was starting to really understand some key concepts I have been working on.

One of the things I have struggled with in relationships is the ability to let go and trust in masculine strength and step fully into my feminine energy. I have always LOVED adventure and in the past couple of years have come to really enjoy riding motorcyles. Now I say.. ride because I don't have any desire to drive them but that awareness didn't come to me until tonight when we were on the road and it hit me why. I have spent most of my life in the driver seat taking control and doing what needs to be done. I realized tonight in such a huge way, how much I appreciate and honor that masculine energy to lead me and how important it is and comfortable it is for me to trust in that energy.

So as we began our ride, my friend pointed out that I was a little tense and was trying too hard to lean one way or another during the turns. Once he pointed that out to me I worked on just following his lead and surrendering to him. Soon I realized how comfortable and easy it was. I didn't have to work at it at all. Most importantly it made his job as the driver much easier because he wasn't having to correct my every move.

Of course once we got somewhere he could floor it.. he did. I noticed a couple of interesting things in me. First off, my fear kicked in immediately, then as he sped up, I intentionally allowed myself to let go of that fear and be TOTALLY present in the moment. What an incredible feeling it felt to completely LET GO and feel absolute surrender. This happened several times during the night and the more I practiced it, the easier it got for me. How in the world could I really explain what that feels like?

Something else I noticed was my soul just comes alive when there is adventure and being in nature. I know I have mentioned this on several occasions, but for me, I NEED that time to get out and be with nature. Standing out by the water of Utah Lake.. and looking 360 Degrees around me at all the beautiful mountains just filled my soul in so many ways. Not to mention the sun was just setting and I had the opportunity to thank God for the blessing of living in such a beautiful country where I have the freedoms to be who I want to be and do what I want to do. As my friend and I talked about how important it is to be present, I couldn't help but be grateful for that very MOMENT in time. Several times, I thought to myself  'Could life get any better than this and how did I find myself here tonight when this wasn't my plan.' Isn't that just incredible. I try everyday to not be too attached to who I get to connect with, what I am doing and where I am suppose to be. I just allow myself to be lead in whatever direction I need to be lead.

I wasn't going to go tonight at first because I had too much going on but then another friend of mine suggested it would be good for me to get out and when it comes to adventure like that, it's really really hard for me to resist.

You know I am the only one who can change things within myself or in any relationship. I can choose to surrender and trust .. or I can choose not to.. it's up to me. I can choose to forgive, I can choose to serve or to love. I have learned that love is a choice and who I choose to spend my time with is intentional. I try my best to make sure the relationship is equally beneficial.  One of the gifts I find giving to these amazing men is to acknowledge them for their goodness and their strengths and the value they bring to my life. They need to hear it and I tell them often.

I am in no hurry to jump into any kind of serious relationship and am enjoying developing true deep meaningful friendships. Just as in any relationship, there has to be a sure foundation built and I feel a lot of gratitude for the men in my life at this time.  Thank you .. Thank you .. Thank you.. you know who you are!!

"We are MASTER Co-CREATORS!"

What does it mean to be a creator? I have come to realize over the past couple of years just how incredibly powerful we are. We truly have the power to create Heaven or Hell in any given moment. What do I mean by that? Think about it, you wake up and from the first conscious thought you begin your day. Some may say.. "I woke up on the wrong side of the bed," and they let that determine the rest of their day. I say, no matter what we are feeling or thinking in any given moment we can shift it if we want. Take for instance, an emotion that sometimes is uncomfortable like fear. Sit and think deeply about something that is causing you a lot of fear. Notice how you feel. Notice the train of thoughts you are having. Now think of a bright, sunny, happy day and what it feels like to be outside with a cool breeze softly brushing through your hair from one side to the next. Notice how you feel now. Our minds are sooo powerful.

I remember when the day I began my journey of releasing 130 lbs. I turned to my friend of mine and said to her "Seriously.. no sugar .. no flour FOREVER?" I remember feeling the immense amount of weight on my shoulders of the thought of not only having to lose 130 lbs but doing it without sugar and flour.. two things that had been my friend for over 35 years. She turned to me, smiled and said "Just not today!" All of a sudden my reality shifted and I felt I could do it. I could do anything for 24 hours. Soon I realized that that 24 hours.. turned into another 24 hours.. and another.. and sure enough.. almost exactly 3 years later, I am where I am today. The other HUGE lesson I got from this experience is God, who is the master creator was going to help me and He did.

Because I made a small but significant decision, I, along with God of course, created some massively AMAZING results. I always include God in what I am able to create because as powerful as I am, I couldn't have done it without Him. What I had to realize and continue to realize is that together, God and I, are co-Master creators. Where I am weak, He is strong and He carries me through those difficult times.

I have to say though, there are times where I fall back into my stinky thinking that I can do it on my own. Until I have hit my head up against the wall enough times and fall to my knees and surrender, I realize I can't do it alone.

I started reading a book this morning called "Believing Christ." This book is sooo amazingly good at illustrating the fact that I was never meant to live this life alone and take on the battles of life by myself. There was one, Jesus Christ, that went before me, paid the price and knows and UNDERSTANDS first hand the struggles I face. All He asks of me is to turn to Him. Why is that so hard to do sometimes? I don't know. The only answer I have is I am human.. and mortal and I seem to have a mind that tends to forget and has to be reminded often. This is why it's so important for me to keep my mind active and always searching to learn more. This is why I pray often and read scriptures, to be reminded that God is the POWERFUL one, who sent His son to go before me to show me the way. I just have to remember to follow His example and do my best to live righteously to the best of my ability and then He makes up the rest.

You know the guy I was dating last year and I would have this conversation all the time. It seemed like every single thing he would plan for us to do was always turning out PERFECTLY. We would get to the exact right place at the exact right moment to watch a beautiful sunset. It seemed like everything we experienced was perfectly orchestrated. The (2) four leaf clovers just magically appeared out of nowhere, I would in that moment turn to him and ask, "How the heck did you create this? You are a MASTER CREATOR you know?" I think he loved it when I said that because I wanted him to realize just how powerful of a creator he was and how much I appreciated it... in turn that helped encourage his AMAZING ability to create even more incredible experiences.

"One of the hardest things to do... FORGIVE YOURSELF!"

Why do you think forgiving ourselves is so hard sometimes? Well, at least for me, I grew up thinking I needed to be perfect at everything I did or else I wasn't acceptable. I spent a lot of time comparing myself to others and I never seemed to measure up. I would always think "What's wrong with me that I can't seem to figure things out like everyone else. Everyone else is happy when I am literally dying inside." I couldn't figure it out til many years later when I realized that I wasn't born to be perfect. It wasn't even part of the plan. I was given weakness in order to learn and grow. Otherwise what would be the purpose of this mortal life? 

So once I realized I was placed here with weakness, I had to accept my imperfections as being PERFECT in and of themselves. Wow.. that was a challenge to let go of that reality. I had to start with not beating myself up. I had to start with allowing myself to make mistakes and to show patience as I didn't get everything done that I wanted to. I am really really good at making pages and pages of TO DO lists and setting myself up for overwhelm. Recently it's been a practice of mine to allow myself to think .."I do my very best and let go of the rest." I had to think that way or else I would find myself back in that place of self pity. 

So.. I make certain choices sometimes that stop me from progressing in life, SO WHAT. I say.. so what not because I give myself permission or justify my actions but rather allow myself to look at what I have done or not done as a learning opportunity and move on. Sometimes that requires me asking others for forgiveness, sometimes it's just a matter of recommitting to myself and moving on. I have always been someone that moves on pretty quickly once I have noticed my wrong doing. I don't care to stay in that negative place very long. Although I do have to say, there is a difference between shutting a door and moving on .. and taking the time to look at what happened, take responsibility for my actions and then asking for forgiveness and THEN moving on. 

I always like to say.. "I am IMPERFECTLY PERFECT!" Meaning I am perfect just the way I am. Forgiving myself has been a process of learning to LOVE myself and accept my imperfections. The quicker you forgive, the quicker you can move on to better things. I like what a good friend of mine says.. "Fail faster so you can success quicker!" Isn't that true? Don't allow yourself to beat yourself up. It doesn't do you any good. By the way, this also applies very much to relationships too. As I was talking to a good friend of mine last night, I realized how important it is to forgive quickly the other person for their imperfections. I don't believe we wake up in the morning with the intention to hurt ourselves or others, we just do sometimes. Take a good look at it.. take responsibility and then move on. 

Find the true Gift in "BE"ing Present!

You know I have thought often of what an AMAZING gift it is to learn to be present. I have to give credit to my dear former fiance who taught me how to be present. He taught me how to slow down and to just BE. He taught me to allow myself to shut out the world, the chatter in my mind and all the electronic devices and to be 100% with him in the moment. At first, it was difficult for me to shut all that out but after awhile I found the great value of truly allowing myself to give him and others my 100% attention. This was not an easy task for me. It took me practicing, falling on my face at times but after awhile it got easier. Every time I would find myself wanting to so call "Check out," I took a deep breath and allowed myself to get grounded.

I was reminded again today as I laid on the floor in my yoga class this morning staring at the ceiling in one specific place for a period of time, how awesome it feels to just be silent in my mind. What a gift, to be so present that there was a nothingness about the moment other than the thoughts and emotions I was observing. Back in the day, I would have been thinking about the laundry I had to do, how uncomfortable I was with my body, what were other people thinking of me or am I doing this right? Always thinking something was wrong with me or the moment and it should be a different way. To now just be in such a place of gratitude for whatever emotions, thoughts or feelings that come and not judging them is absolutely BEAUTIFUL.

So what I have learned is when I am present, I am not fearing the future nor trying to control the past. In the past couple of years I have seen a huge shift in my perception as it pertains to fear and control. When I find myself going into this place of either, I know I am living outside of the NOW... so I breathe and bring myself back to the NOW and know that all I have is the NOW .. the present moment.

So here are a few things I do as I find myself drifting whether I am with others.. or by myself. I take a couple of HUGE breathes. These are breathing from the core of my belly not from my chest or shoulders. It's amazing the amount of tension that is released just from doing this. I also meditate. It is not uncommon for me to just stop what I am doing, lay down on the floor of my office or in bed in the middle of the day and just sit. Wipe all the thoughts from my mind as if I were staring at a totally blank white board. At first, I felt uncomfortable with this as my mind was full of all kinds of different thoughts, but soon I learned to turn those off for a bit. Sometimes I want to think NOTHING.. and other times, I want to receive inspiration.

Short story, about a month ago, I was right in the middle of a HUGE creation spurt where I was really needing to get all the content that I have built up over the past couple of years out on paper. I was in the need of creating content for workshops, books, blogs, speaking gigs.. and etc. So I found myself laying on the floor of my office with the warm sun shining down on me through my office window and while listening to Shamanick music, asking the question in my mind.."God, please help me purge all these different concepts I have had racing in my head for the last couple of years!" It didn't take long to open that portal of information. Here I was laying there with a pen and paper next to me and WHAM... all the content came RUSHING in my mind almost too fast I couldn't write quick enough. So I would write and then go back to meditation and more would come and I would lean over and write some more and then repeat that several times. It was soo AMAZING to experience this. Next thing I knew I had 4 pages chalked full of content. It didn't stop there, I didn't go anywhere the next week without my binder with a couple of more empty pages to fill and as soon as another idea popped into my head, I wrote it down. 3 pages later, I was shocked to see so much AMAZING content that was hidden deep inside of me. It felt great to finally have it all in one place.

What I learned most from that experience is, it's important to take the time to be silent and to ask the right question and then most importantly.. LISTEN and take lots of notes. It's AMAZING what incredible knowledge and power we have within us when we take time to slow down and allow it to flow freely from us. From all that content I got written down that week, will come everything I need to finish my books, tv show ideas and concepts, radio themes, blog entries.. etc. What a gift! What a blessing I have been given when I learned how to be present and in the moment.

When it comes to relationships, my dear former fiance taught me how to truly BE present with him and what a gift that was for us to have had that type of connection. When you can look into each others eyes for an hour without speaking a word but communicate in such a way that there was no question in our minds about the gratitude we feel for each other.. it's INCREDIBLE. It's a spiritual connection, one more deeply than any words can convey. Just like with anything in life, I KNOW for a fact that everything happens for a reason and with each relationship and friendship we have, we are given nuggets of gold.. gifts from above. I am grateful for him and what he has taught me about me.

My Recent Challenge...with Weight Gain

I am sorry I haven't blogged in quite sometime. It seems as my life pushes forward, I am getting busier and busier which is good but I value very much my time to write and to express my deepest feelings about where I am in my life. I know that many of you feel similar feelings because I meet with you everyday. I hear your stories, I hear your struggles and I am no different.

This last few months has been a roller coaster of emotions for sure. As I always say, it's PERFECT because I am learning more about who I am and picking up new tools to aid me in living a healthy life and in order to help more people. 

Even though I have released 130 lbs, it doesn't mean that I have somehow arrived. In my own mind,  I think on some level, I felt that but life has shown me recently that working the basic simple principles are what sustain healthy living. As I sit here in bed, pondering about what to share with you, my mind wonders to how important the little things are and to be patient and loving with ourselves. 

In the last 4 months, I have gained 20 lbs which has been an interesting journey for me. I found myself back in the "I don't care" thinking. "Where did that come from? ...What triggered it?... and What am I suppose to learn from it?" These questions have been heavily on my mind. 

I felt in someway that obesity and the thoughts of it all where in the past and were going to stay there FOREVER. I didn't start to eat sugar or flour again because in my mind, those things are evil but I did start eating more of the food that I normally eat and justify eating "Sugar FREE" items and too much of that too. Soon the weight started to creep back on. Suddenly, my clothes became tight and I didn't feel so good inside. Everyday I would recommit to myself and others and sometimes for a day or two I would do well. As for now, I am feeling ok but there for awhile, I felt as though I couldn't control it. 

Just recently, friends of mine have introduced me to other tools to help aid me in dealing with these negative behaviors. I just started using "Tapping." In my mind, I thought that tapping was too simple but I am starting to realize that most things we strive for are EASY.. well, maybe not EASY but SIMPLE. In my mind, I thought, this is too simple and it kept me from using it. I am trying it out and in the last couple of days it has given me great relief. I know that my perfectionism was keeping me from doing it too because I wanted to do it perfectly and instead, I just decided to relinquish the fact it doesn't have to be perfect, I just have to do it. 

So there.. this is where I am right now and am headed back down the scale 15 lbs to where I want to be. The difference this time is I know my value isn't determined by the number that is on the scale and that I have the tools I need, if I choose to use them, to be where I want to be. Before I would have just given up and allowed myself to go back to the life I lived but now, what I do in helping others get healthy, keeps me on my toes. 

While I was in the process of releasing my weight and then maintaining it for a year in a half, I remember people asking me.. "did you every cheat?" for the most part, I just went for it and didn't look back and to many people I felt they couldn't relate to me because of that. Now, knowing I got back into the food and have struggled the last few months has been PERFECT because it's given me true empathy for those struggling. It's not that I can't remember what it was like back then.. but time has a way of really making it hard sometimes to remember what it felt like. I KNOW and am experiencing the pain that goes with not feeling like I can control my desire to eat. 

Thank God, today I am at peace about it and am choosing to make healthy choices. I will write more about this and feel free to share your feelings and thoughts. We are all in this together and it's important to get out of isolation. These struggles DON'T make you bad.. they just are what you get to experience in life and teach you to dig deep to get healthy. 

My Savior... My Friend!

This year has been one of great reflection and learning for me. I have always been a religious person but to be honest with you, I have NEVER in my life gone to the depth of spirituality that I have in this last year. As many of you may know I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and have been my whole life. I even was a full time missionary in 1995-1996 where I served in the Pocatello Mission. I have attended church weekly, even graduated from seminary. Even through all those years of being religious thinking it was complicated, I have come to realize just how incredibly SIMPLE God's love is for me.

I think I had this idea in my head that if I was perfect enough by checking off my "TO DO" list that I would be worthy of His love and acceptance. So I served my mission to the best of my ability and the very last day, when I found out my father had died in a car accident and I was being sent home the following day, I remember questioning if I had really done my best. Little did I know, I was an incredible missionary. Someone who served diligently with her heart and influenced many lives. At the time though if you asked me, I would tell you all the things I did wrong that made it not so. I couldn't accept that my imperfections were enough. I remember very clearly, the day I got released as a missionary and the man who released me said... "You were a great missionary." He didn't know I was questioning if I had done enough, he didn't even know me personally and let alone understand what it felt like to have just lost my father to a tragic accident. Again, I didn't accept that truth of me being enough just the way I was.

So this was a common theme throughout my life... am I enough? ... will I ever be enough? Is there more that I can "DO" to be acceptable in God's eyes? I have discovered for the first time in my life.... NO. I am already enough. I am already worthy of His love and acceptance just the way I am. There are things I choose to do on a daily basis that draw me closer to Him.. and further away from Him. God's Love, Mercy and Grace are exquisite. I now understand and continue to understand just how AMAZING this love is He has for me and for each one of you.

As for the Savior, since I have experienced a total transformation from the inside out, I have come to discover the incredible power of the atonement. I used to think the atonement was for people who had done horrible things, now I understand that the atonement is a GIFT for me to utilize each day to bring me closer to my Heavenly Father.

I was in church the other day and made a comment about how I have been reading a lot in the scriptures about Repentance. The scriptures counsel us OVER and OVER again.. "If they would only repent and keep the commandments.. then they shall have ALL that God has and more." So I have been on this journey to understand and ask what it is that I need to repent of so I may become more like the Savior and closer to God. Another comment from someone in the room was we needed to stop beating ourselves up. Although I agree 100% with that, I don't see repentance as a way to beat myself up, I see it as an incredible blessing and opportunity to draw closer to my Savior and to learn to accept His Sacrifice and service He rendered for ME.

My Savior.. My friend! I have learned and developed this amazing trust with my Savior. Our relationship is like any other relationship, I had to learn first who my Savior was then through many experiences, I learned to trust. As I trusted more my respect and love grew. My understanding of how he communicates with me expanded. This picture below is the picture I have up in my bedroom and I look at it each morning when I wake up. I spend time meditating to it. I see it as the Savior with His arms stretched forth towards me encouraging me to come to Him. It also reminds me that I need to be open to receiving. I struggle with that at times. As with many of you, we are so good at giving .. giving.. and giving more to others but when it comes to having to receive, it's hard. I have been on the receiving side many times this year and I am grateful for those in my life that have carried me and lifted my own soul as I have struggled. Isn't that what this life is all about anyway. The Savior has lifted me... I lift others.. others lift me. It's all one eternal circle of service.

So during this time of the year, I can't help but give thanks to the very one who gave me life, God. He also provided me with the most incredible gift my brother, my Savior, my friend who is teaching me by His example who I must become. I am grateful for this journey I have been on and for the knowledge I have now.

I KNOW that my Savior died for me and most importantly, lives today so that I may be forgiven for those choices I make that draw me further away from God. I know that God lives and knows me intimately.. my heart .. my soul.. my desires. He loves me and guides me each and every single day. I know when I am inspired to make a call, connect with a certain person or to serve that all that comes from Him. I know the Atonement of Jesus Christ is REAL. I know that because I have experienced the mighty change of heart in my own life and continue to feel it's power as I learn to turn my life over to Him. I know there is a living Prophet Thomas S. Monson that stands as the mouth piece for the Lord. I am grateful for His guidance and counsel He gives me. I know that the scriptures were written for OUR day and to help me understand how God works and His love for me. I live in such an incredible time where I have been given soo much.

I pray that each one of you finds peace in your heart.. and healing. I will say, even though my life is not perfect and there are days I still struggle, I feel because I have learned better to rely on the Lord it makes those challenging times easier. I pray for the same to be for you as well. God bless and always remember that you are important, you have a purpose here on earth and that you are LOVED.